


try again; in every day we breathe life

by av_versiera



Series: 'till death do us part (senju tobirama/reader, you) [7]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Attempted Murder, Blood and Injury, Comfort, Discussions of death, Drowning, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Healing, Miscarriage, Panic Attacks, Poisoning, Senju Tobirama Needs a Hug, Trauma, Violence, creation of Edo Tensei, honestly everyone needs a hug here, literally no one is okay, past and present format, tobirama in his usual madness, tobirama learning how to let himself be loved and taken care of, underlying mental issues, wow the range is wide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:01:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28542219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/av_versiera/pseuds/av_versiera
Summary: Present (Now): Tobirama grapples with a shocking discovery, and for once, there may not be a solution.Past (Then): You and Tobirama discuss children, the future, and get caught in a dangerous plan for revenge that sends you fighting for your life.
Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Original Female Character(s), Senju Tobirama/Reader
Series: 'till death do us part (senju tobirama/reader, you) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970128
Comments: 16
Kudos: 61





	1. Now

**Author's Note:**

> a juxtaposition of two different events, past and present; a common theme persists. 
> 
> anyways, a warning: read the tags please. this part of the series is dark. please read with caution. if any of the tags can be a trigger, i would encourage you to refrain from reading, and to just...read another part of this series. 
> 
> present events take place after "good enough"  
> past events take place some time after "overstepping" 
> 
> thank you for reading !

“I think my brother is dying,” Tobirama quietly says. 

  
  


Your eyes snap open from whatever hazy plane your mind is taking you to sleep, and you turn to your husband in alarm. You find him lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, an arm behind his head. You sit up to get a good look at his face, and the sight breaks your heart. You have never seen Tobirama cry before, but if he is going to cry, it is going to look like this. There are no obvious tears on his face, but his face is tight as if he is holding them back.

  
  


“I thought you were asleep,” Tobirama murmured. 

You glance somewhere in the dark corner of your room and blinked, still trying to process what your husband is saying, and then you crawl closer to your husband. Slowly, you slide yourself just above him so that you can put your arm under the back of his neck. Then, you take your other arm to hold him. 

“Why do you say that?” You whisper. You watch as he blinks sadly at the ceiling. 

  
  


“He got sick,” Tobirama states, as if he is reading a fact from a book. This is him, trying to separate himself from his emotions, but you can tell by his face that he is failing. “He never gets sick. Then, he broke a bone. That man never had brittle bones. It would take a thousand soldiers to break a finger.” 

“But everybody has to get sick and get broken bones at some point,” you try to reassure him, but you falter at his expression. 

“You do not understand,” Tobirama whispers so quietly, in such a fearful voice that it also sinks your heart lower into your abdomen. “That was my first thought as well, but I happened to study his cells and they are aging faster than normal.” 

“What do you mean?” 

  
  


Tobirama heaves a sigh, and he rubs his face with a hand. “When we are born, our DNA determines how long we live–how many times our cells will replicate until they stop, which is death. In my brother’s case, you know he uses this jutsu to keep himself young and to help him regenerate and bounce back from any injury. He has not aged a day ever since Madara had left. That was years ago. I think he does this every day, sometimes he even looks younger than his age.”

From Tobirama’s explanation, your mind begins to make the connections. 

“Given that the Senjus take time to age, well, my brother keeps practicing this jutsu and in the process, that accelerated his cells’ age and the more he keeps doing this, the faster his cells will replicate until there are no more years for him to draw from.”

“Oh, Tobi,” you say. 

“I do not know how to stop it. I don’t think there is a way–and believe me, I have searched and searched...he could have years, months–and I do not know how to help him,” Tobirama’s voice thickens, and you can tell that he is hurting. 

Tobirama has always been the one taking care and helping his family. Especially his brother. That was his purpose, and it served to be his motivation over the years. 

  
  


“Elder brother will literally die from old age at such a young age.” He shifts towards you. “And I...I will remain the same for a while.” 

You put a hand to Tobirama’s face and use your thumb to caress his cheek. Tobirama places his own on top of yours and he takes it to plant a kiss into your palm. Then, he rests your hand on his neck. 

  
  


“I do not know what to do,” he says and you see him rendered helpless, something that is so rare to find on his face. “Gods...his youngest child is barely ten years old.” 

Tobirama is always worrying about his family, and you have to leave it to him to remember everyone on top of his problems, his turmoil. 

  
  


“What about you, my love?” You ask him. No one will ask him but you. “I know you are not okay.” 

Tobirama blinks, momentarily stunned. You study his long, white eyelashes against his even paler skin, and even in his sadness, you find him beautiful. 

Tobirama does not answer you. He remains quiet, thoughtful. 

Your heart squeezes in pain. You always knew that he is capable of such unconditional love, hidden under many layers of his pragmatism. It is something that he will forever struggle with. A push and pull of his mind and his heart, but those two parts will always be connected. They are placed in one body, after all. 

  
  


“Make up with your brother,” you tell him because Tobirama will be stubborn to the end. If he does not know what to do, then it is up to you to take up the mantle. “Concede to his wishes of building the statues of him and Madara. We will find the money elsewhere. We will also find a way to help your brother.” 

Tobirama’s face washes with gratitude at the prospect of finally being able to do something for his brother, even though he was against the idea. However, things are different now.

  
“Now, sleep.” You give him a reassuring kiss on his chin. 

  
  


//

  
  


Today, Uchiha Kagami is your guide. The new establishment for the police force is finally finished after so many months of planning and you are there to meet those who will occupy the jobs. You do not know them personally and even though you will be fine with meeting new people, Tobirama has tasked his student with the job of helping you around. 

You meet with the head of the Uchiha clan and have lunch with his family, then you discuss plans of how to integrate this new job into society. You take your mental notes to report to your husband later. After the whole ordeal, Kagami insists on escorting you back towards the Hokage mansion, where your husband is cooped up with his work or dallying with his new experiments that he refuses to show you. 

On the way there, you watch the life around you, feeling like you are watching the world in slow motion. 

You hear a baby cry to your left and you stop abruptly. You feel your fingers tingle with numbness, and you look for the sound. 

  
  


Your eyes find a child being consoled by their mother, and you stare, bereft of feeling anything but bitterness and jealousy. You thought that you are okay now, but there are times like this that you are caught off-guard and your mind recalls so vividly what had happened to you. It is like you are there again, experiencing the same pain and loss, and it never fades. It seems to magnify even more, and you cannot move yourself away no matter how much you want to put one foot in front of the other. 

You were robbed, that was the fact. You were robbed of your own child to hold and to love. Of the beginnings of a big family with Tobirama.

  
  


“My lady?” Kagami calls with concern. “Are you alright?”

You release a shaky breath, detecting spots in your vision. You try to take another breath to steady yourself, but you begin to feel light-headed. The other part of your mind curses at your predicament and your sudden weakness. You have to be strong, especially for your husband. You cannot afford to be held back by something of the past, not right now.

Your throat tightens and you gasp. “Do not tell my husband.” 

  
  


You straighten up, which is foolish in your part, because the next thing you know, you are falling into Kagami’s arms, and the last thing you hear is someone yelling and then darkness.


	2. Then

“The kids are going to stop by tomorrow for dinner,” Tobirama states in passing as he sips his morning tea. 

You raise an eyebrow. “The kids? You still call them that?” You ask teasingly. 

Tobirama glances at you, and he stares at you in that placid way of his. “They’re still kids to me.”

You let out a little laugh, and this piques his interest. You forget how doting of a teacher Tobirama is, when he is not training his students to the death. He looks after them well like his own, and when his students are complimented, he takes pride in their progress. He is almost... _fatherly_. Sometimes you forget that. 

  
  


“What?” Tobirama inquires, setting down his cup of tea. 

You shake your head. “Just had this passing thought of how you would be like as a father, I mean, you did kind of raised those _kids_.” 

The tips of Tobirama’s ears flush red, and his fingers search for something to hold on to. “Well, I did.” 

Tobirama clears his throat, clearly embarrassed and he shuffles the papers in front of him and attends to his breakfast. He says nothing else after that, not really needing to elaborate. You let him be, and just focused on getting something into your stomach. Tobirama has been busy more than normal these days, and this is something that you know you cannot help him with since it requires a lot of travelling on his own part and meetings with other people outside of Konoha. Tensions are brewing across the lands, but from what you know from your husband, it seems like there is a chance for an alliance with Kumogakure. 

  
  


The sun is still barely visible in the morning sky, but the two of you had risen early since you planned to visit your students’ graves. Tobirama had offered his company, and you acquiesced because it is another moment to spend with him. 

  
  


“Is there something you want to tell me?” Tobirama suddenly asks as the two of you walk back to your bedroom. 

You glance at your husband and note how hushed his demeanor is. It is like he is trying not to tread on dangerous ground. “No? What are you talking about?”

Tobirama clears his throat again and shakes his head. 

  
  


You think about how he was acting during breakfast and you smile secretly. “Do you want children?” 

Tobirama stares at you almost dumbfoundedly, and it makes you want to laugh. 

“I never thought about it,” Tobirama says quickly and more forcibly than necessary, and he opens the door to your bedroom and leaves you alone in the hallway with a puzzled mind. 

  
  


You sigh and follow him in, and watch him as he changes his clothes. You fold your arms and press your lips together, thinking of how to talk about this topic of children. 

“I want to build a family with you,” you finally admit quietly. You look down on the floor, not wanting to see how he will react. "I know the timing is not... _convenient_ , but I just want to put it out there."

  
  


At first, you are met with silence. Then you hear shuffling of clothes, and Tobirama is in front of you. You see his hands twitch, hesitating, but finally, he places them on your shoulders and he catches your gaze. 

  
  


“I never thought about it,” Tobirama repeats, more firmly. “But this is also up to you.”

You expected Tobirama to react more adversely, but when you look at his face, you feel his sincerity. He really _has_ not thought about it, and this is him, reassuring you in his confusing way that he wants to discuss it with you, to make sure that the two of you are on the same page. 

You smile at him, and Tobirama’s hands squeezes your shoulder. 

“Okay,” you tell him, and Tobirama nods. You note in his eyes that there is a bit of excitement and worry in there, but when he turns to continue dressing, he plays them back down. 

  
  


//

  
  


It is still early in the morning, but this time there are birds chirping loudly overhead, and the sun, while bright and blinding, shines a warmth so soft it feels like an embrace. You and Tobirama offer up flowers and food on your students’ graves, and then you spend a long moment in silence. Tobirama’s shoulder is pressing against yours to offer you comfort, and you gingerly lace your fingers with his. 

He doesn’t pull away. 

  
  


The two of you stay like that, until Tobirama squeezes your hand and promptly pulls away when you both sensed a presence approaching. The two of you step to the side to make way for the person, who turns out to be one of the parents of your late students. You watch the mother lay down her flowers for her child, and your heart squeezes in pain. You couldn’t imagine how devastated she is if you are also grieving. In her case, that part does not end. 

The mother, Miura Kimiko, also happens to work for your household. She is the one who asked you to give her daughter another chance of becoming a shinobi when you had deemed her unfit for the battlefield. You should have stayed strong in your stance no matter what. At least, she would have her child. 

  
  


After Kimiko finishes her usual rites on her child’s grave, she turns and bows to you and your husband. 

“Kimiko-san,” you greet. Beside you, Tobirama nods, a hand behind his back. 

“Lord Nidaime,” she addresses. “My lady.” 

  
  


You search for words of comfort to offer her, but none comes to you. No words of apology will heal the wound in her heart. 

Tobirama steps away after spotting a hawk in the sky, and turns to you. “I must take my leave. I will see you later.” 

You give him a strained smile and nod. 

Tobirama turns to Kimiko. “I will leave my wife to your care.” 

  
  


With that, Tobirama walks away, leaving you to converse with Kimiko. 

Kimiko gestures forward, and you start walking. She falls into step behind you, but the air still feels like it needs to be filled with words. 

  
  


“I-” You start, trying to find the courage to utter one of the two most difficult words to say. 

“My lady, I must thank you for continuing to visit my daughter’s grave,” Kimiko beats you to it. “Mieko has always looked up to you.”

“I _am_ sorry, Kimiko-san,” you say, but it does not lift the weight in your heart. 

  
  


Kimiko shakes her head solemnly. “Such is a life for a shinobi.” 

  
  


You nod. Nothing else needs to be said. You both understand what is at stake when you are out there on a mission. 

  
  


The two of you walk in silence, and you head for the general direction of the food markets. Shops start to open, and people and children start to mill around to get to their own destinations. You watch little children flock together and make their way to the Academy and you smile at their exuberance. 

Those who recognize you stop to greet and bow to you, and you offer them the warmth of a friend. No matter how many times you are treated this formally, you can never really get used to it. 

“My lady, forgive me if I am prying, but I overheard you and Lord Nidaime talking about children earlier and I was wondering...if you two are trying for a child right now,” Kimiko says. 

You blush a little, and flash her a nervous smile. “It is nothing definite, Kimiko-san. It was just mentioned in passing.” 

Kimiko shrugs. “If you ever need any help with fertility, or even through the duration of your pregnancy, I know a thing or two about it. My family has worked with herbs and the like, to ascertain healthy pregnancies.” 

  
  


You blink at her kindness. “I may have to take you up on that later.”

Kimiko nods and you point towards the market so that the two of you can head towards there. You make sure to walk beside her, because for some reason, it is custom for servants to walk a few steps behind the people they serve. It is lucky that Kimiko does not look away when addressing you, because that will make you feel even worse. You already feel responsible for her child’s death. The least you can do is offer compassion. You can be a friend to those who need it.

  
  


//

  
  


You and Tobirama walk around the streets of Konoha. After he had finished most of his work in the Hokage office, you drag him outside to get some fresh air, since the dust that had gathered in the office keeps making him sneeze and his eyes itch. People in high spirits wander the streets, and children that just got off the Academy run around to play. Shinobis alike are also enjoying their downtime, or are taking their time to do their menial missions within the village. 

Every now and then, you glance at your husband, finding his face and his posture relaxed, something he only does when you’re around. Your hands brush against each other, but neither of you take the initiative and instead, settle for the occasional shoulder bumps. These kinds of moments remind you of the time when you two were just starting out to work out your differences in your budding relationship. 

In a way, Tobirama has never changed, but is also changing by the times he shows you his most private thoughts and feelings. There is still a lot to work out with him, but the certainty of working through every hurdle in life with him by your side is enough. 

  
  


Your silence is interrupted when a group of kunoichis carrying their young approach the Hokage. You look on, preemptively amused as the women practically throw their babies to the Hokage with no warning. Tobirama meets your eyes, his shock apparent and begging for help. 

This is not new to him, since he and his brother get handed babies a lot so that they can bless their children and wish them strength as growing shinobi. 

  
  


You stand to the side and apart from the crowd, hiding your smile as Tobirama holds one baby after another. It is not like he does not know how to hold them, since he has held his nephews many times and has let them climb over him and used his arms to hang from, but all the attention and the cooing is making him uneasy. He is about a few seconds ready to take off. 

  
  


“When will you have your own child, Lord Nidaime?” One of them asks. 

Tobirama’s eyes widen for a fraction, then stoically, he answers, “That will be up to my wife.”

All eyes turn to you and you freeze like a criminal caught in the act. They look at you with demanding eyes, as if you are withholding child-bearing from their precious Hokage. 

  
  


“When it happens, it happens,” you reply awkwardly. You catch a few disapproving looks here and there. The judgement in their eyes reminds you how many women are vying to be with your husband, and how qualified he was as a bachelor to be allied with other clans. Now, he’s stuck with you.

“You’re not getting any younger, my lady,” another says with a bit of a scorn. “You should at least have three kids running around already.”

“It’s a shame Lord Hokage’s genes won’t be passed down.” 

Your face colors in shame–you feel like you are being blamed. Tobirama scowls visibly, not caring if the others see it. Your husband takes it upon himself to step towards you and to shield you from more questions. 

  
  


“Forgive us, but we have to be somewhere else,” Tobirama interrupts curtly and he takes you by the elbow. 

  
  


Once the two of you are away, Tobirama lets go of your elbow and is looking at everywhere else, except you. 

You glance at him, and you sense that he is embarrassed. 

  
  


“What?” He almost snaps. 

“They probably think that I’m barren or something.” You reply, just as embarrassed. “Or unfit to be your wife.”

Tobirama’s face morphs into something a bit stormier. “I did not marry you just for child-rearing. Do not think like that.” 

You shrug. “It feels like that sometimes.” 

  
  


Tobirama pauses and he turns to face you. “Why?” He demands. 

You crack a smile at his scowl. Does he have any other better expression? 

Tobirama scans your face. As much as you are good at reading him, he is also _almost_ as good at catching your jokes. “Stop making fun of me,” he snaps. 

“I will if you hold my hand,” you reply cheekily. 

  
  


Tobirama looks around, checking if there are people spectating. He also goes the extra mile by using his sensory skills to check for nearby people who might spring up on them. He finds none. 

  
  


“You always do this,” Tobirama chides. He grabs your hand without warning, and pulls you even closer so that your entwined hands aren’t completely visible. “Happy?” 

  
  


//

  
  


“How many children do you want?” You ask, getting comfortable under layers of soft blankets. 

Tobirama glances at you, incredulous. You see his ears get red. “We do not have to discuss this right now. Do not mind what the people are saying.” 

  
  


You smile in secret as Tobirama slides into the bed next to you. He is always so thoughtful, even if he sounds insulting doing it. He knows that you felt hurt by what the kunoichis of the village have been saying to you, and they have been suggesting such things for a while now. This is him trying to reassure you that there is no rush. 

“Well, I do know I want to have children with you,” you say with a yawn. “Let’s talk about it some more later. Like you have said.” 

  
  


Your eyes feel heavy and they flit close, leaving Tobirama with the silence. He glances at you, and tries to sleep as well, but it continues to evade him. He lies there with his many thoughts, and he reckons he will have to entertain them throughout the night.

When they were kids, Hashirama had told Tobirama that when he was born, their clan thought that he wasn’t going to make it at all. Born an albino, an occurrence in the Senju that has never happened before, Tobirama was a small thing, and the fragile purple and blue veins under his very pale skin were apparent, as if his skin would fold like paper. Hashirama said that out of all their brothers, he held Tobirama the most, because that was the only thing he thought he could do for him. 

But Tobirama continued to live, to breathe and to cry like a normal baby. 

It was a bloody time to raise children, especially children who may not even live more than a decade. His future back then was bleak and he wasn’t even sure if could even live long enough to make his brother’s dream come true, but here he is, grown up and thinking about starting his own family. 

Peace was a prize paid by many lives, including their very own younger brothers. How Kawarama and Itama would have loved to grow up in a place like Konoha. 

Even if peace is a little scarce these days, with the brewing tensions with the other shinobi villages after Madara’s defection, peace can still be preserved. Especially now, when there are more children surviving past ten years. 

  
  


When you mentioned that you wanted to start a family with him, Tobirama started to plan ahead in that nervous panicked way he does. Despite being busy throughout the day with his duties, his mind keeps drifting to the steps he may have to take to build a family with you. Even if it’s just a possibility. Even if it will not happen, but just in case it _does_. He cannot have himself bumbling about like a fool. He wants to be prepared. For anything.

He blinks at the ceiling, both unaware and aware of the time passing, and then he glances at you, still sleeping. 

  
  


He thinks about how much he has changed. He never thought about having children of his own, he wasn’t even sure if he would even marry in the first place–or marry in accordance to his feelings, but now, things have changed for him. Of course he loves his brother’s children, but the thought of bringing one of his own into this world had never been in his sights before. The thought of holding his own, tiny little child….is daunting. Besides, with the way he was raised, what other parenting methods would he resort to but what he knew? He does not want his own children to go through that. 

He refuses to raise his own children in a way that sets them up for death. Their future has got to be better. 

Will he be better? 

How many kids will he have? Will he have daughters? Or as many sons as Hashirama?

  
  
  


“Tobirama?” 

  
  


You wake up, and find Tobirama’s eyes on you. He always watches you when he cannot sleep. Slowly, you bring a hand to his chest. 

“What’s wrong?” You murmur. 

  
  


He keeps staring, and you smile softly, waiting. 

“Children,” he states. 

“What?” You almost laugh. 

Tobirama visibly scowls. “You asked how many children I want to have.” 

  
  


You narrow your eyes, trying to think. Then, it comes back to you. _Oh_. 

“And your answer is?” Your lips spread to a smile. 

  
  


Tobirama stares at you, in that clueless expression that you became familiar with. It appears once in a blue moon. 

“Does it bother you?” Tobirama quickly interjects to change the subject.

You prop yourself on your elbow and raise an eyebrow. “What bothers me?” 

  
  


Tobirama flails a hand towards the ceiling helplessly–so uncharacteristic of him. “That people talk about you.” 

“Not really,” you reply immediately, not wanting to make him worry about this. 

  
  


Your husband turns his head to focus on you, his attention solely on your words to come. 

  
  


“I mean, they are _kind_ of right,” you add sheepishly. “I had no name for myself and my family, while they used to be a big clan, refused to be shinobi anymore. There was no reason why you should look to me as your wife. There was nothing to be gained.” 

“Besides,” you voice out quietly. “We’re not getting any younger, especially me.” 

  
  


Tobirama stares at you like you suddenly grew a second head. 

  
  


“Tobirama–” 

  
  


“If we–when we do have children,” Tobirama interrupts, not quite gently, but in that gruff way he does, when he tries to cover up his thrill. “I hope they will have your grace and your kindness.” 

You press your body closer to him, and he pulls you over on top of him. “Are you thinking about it?” 

Tobirama guards a small smile. 

“Wait, don’t tell me,” you chuckle. “You’ve actually thought about it.” You state it as it is, because you know how Tobirama gets when something is sitting on his mind for a long time. 

  
  


“Just in case,” Tobirama replies, his hands travelling down your hips. “We aren’t getting any younger.”

You lean forward to catch his lips, and you murmur, “Good news for you, you can still reproduce in your old age. As for me, might as well throw me aside as soon as I’m past my thirties.” 

  
  


Tobirama frowns, and he pulls you closer. “Never. I’d take you, barren or not.” 

You roll your eyes. “How sweet.” 

“I mean it.” 

“How very sweet.” 

  
  


You lean forward and kiss him on his lips again, but before he can reciprocate, you pull away. “I hope they look like you.” 

Tobirama hums. “Debatable.” 

“You know you’re actually funny when you try,” you comment playfully, and with that, Tobirama flips the two of you on your back. 

  
  


“Three or four children will suffice,” Tobirama finally gives you an answer. 

You frown. “Are you seriously making another genin team? Out of our own theoretical children?” 

  
  


Tobirama smirks and pushes his knee against your thigh to spread your legs apart. “Let’s start now.” 

You roll your eyes. “Not even going to ask me, huh? So typical of you.” You smirk at him. “I am still taking the birth control remedies that Mito gave me.”

“You talk as if the Senju are impotent.”

“So cocky,” you goad, and you bring a knee up to his groin. “Can you really get me to carry your child in one go?” 

Tobirama’s eyes narrow dangerously. “Is that a challenge?” 

Tobirama leans down and he presses his body into yours, and every inch of your skin in contact with his sets your skin ablaze. He kisses you fiercely, and you return his kisses with the same fervor. You hastily tear at his clothes, and he is quick to untie your sleeping gown and push them down to your shoulders. 

  
  


“Wait, are you absolutely sure?” You ask him and you push him back, suddenly incredulous. “I thought you’d want to talk about it some more.” 

Tobirama raises an eyebrow. “Since when did I ever act on impulse?” 

“Well, I mentioned it once, and suddenly you’re eager to impregnate me?” 

  
  


Tobirama’s expression softens and you grow more bewildered. He takes your leg, and plants a kiss on the side of your knee. “We have many chances to get it right.” 

“But don’t you want to make preparations? You’re a very busy man, and don’t you have to, like, consult with your family or doctors, or buy baby things…?” You trail off, realizing that this is Senju Tobirama you are talking to.

Senju Tobirama, your husband, who is probably taking care of all your worries even while the two of you copulate to your satisfaction. Who probably will continue to make many more arrangements as time goes on. 

  
  


“Bastard,” you almost spit out of spite. 

Tobirama places his hands on your hips and roughly pulls you closer to his waist. Your back lifts off the bed, and the edge of your yukata rides up your thigh, exposing more skin. His eyes hungrily rove from your exposed shoulders and thighs, and you shiver in anticipation. Love-making with Tobirama is never dull, and it is always intense and particular with his own brand of tenderness, in which he shows you how passionate he truly is. The bedroom is the only witness to this, besides you.

  
  


“Is that what we’re going to do now? Call each other names?” Tobirama asks, his voice dropping to a lower tone that sounds akin to a growl. 

“You can do anything you want to me,” you murmur, and you peek at him meekly to gauge his reaction. “You can even be mean about it.”

“Don’t be coy,” Tobirama orders. 

“Or _what_ ?” You smile, knowing that you are slowly riling him up. “I’ll regret it? You’ll make me _regret_ it?” 

  
  


Tobirama suddenly tears your yukata apart, and now, you are stark naked under him. “Or I’ll make you beg for it.” 

Your body flushes, and you let out a shaky sigh. The ball may be in his court, but it is still favorable to you. 

  
  


"Show me how you'll do it," you whisper. 

Tobirama stares at you, seeming like he is contemplating, when suddenly, he grabs your throat and squeezes the sides of your neck. He leans over you, covering your body with his own and he plants a violent kiss on your lips that leaves you dizzy. 

You let out a moan, but he swallows it, his tongue swirling against yours. He turns his head to deepen the kiss, and your eyes snap open as he devours you. Tobirama does not show any sign of easing up, and you can only gasp as his hand travels down your stomach, and dives in between your legs. He presses his fingers against your cunt, and he starts to grind them purposefully, and you sense yourself getting wetter, and your walls clenching from the anticipation. 

Tobirama’s hand eases on your neck, and he watches your face as he brings you to the edge, rubbing and pressing against your clit, and when your breathy moans start to accelerate, he stops, and he leaves you gasping, your nerves completely alight with a blinding white fire. You whine, and you close your eyes as your body trembles for more. 

  
  


You reach down in between your legs, wanting to finish, but Tobirama grasps your wrist and pins them to the side. 

“Eager, are we?” You can hear the smirk in Tobirama’s voice. 

You peek at Tobirama, and you run your eyes from his chest and his torso, and to his red and angry erection. 

  
  


“Aren’t you?” You whisper, your voice catching in your throat. 

“I have some patience,” Tobirama runs a hand on the side of your thigh, and squeezes your ass. 

  
  


His rough hand on your skin makes you whimper, and even more so as he leans down and puts his mouth on your breast to suckle your nipple. His tongue laps on it, and around it, flicking the aroused bud until you are arching up to his hips to find some relief. His other hand kneads your other breast, his fingers pinching and twisting your nipple. 

You squirm underneath him, unable to bear it any longer, but a stubborn part of you that is in this game will not let you beg. His teeth graze against your nipple and a shiver runs down your spine. Every part of you that he touches becomes sensitive and pliable for him. 

Finally, Tobirama lets up and he plants a kiss on your swollen lips. It is unexpectedly gentle, and you melt against him, and this time you consider saying please. 

  
  


You shoot your husband a glare filled with lust and your hand travels to his cock, and you begin to pump it, your hand twisting the shaft and teasing the head. You hear Tobirama stifle a gasp, and you keep going, feeling it harden even more. Suddenly, Tobirama grabs your hand to stop you and his body twitches and he turns red. 

He starts to breathe harshly, and you bite down a smile. 

“Please?” You say to him. 

  
  


Tobirama rolls his eyes, and you let out a breathy laugh. “Who am I to say no?” 

  
  


Tobirama’s hand stills your hips, while the other guides his erection into your entrance. He eases in, slowly, shallowly thrusting with the head of his cock. He places his hands on your hips to massage and make you relax, and then he guides the two of you into a slow rhythm that continues to build a searing heat that spreads throughout your body. 

Tobirama’s pace picks up, and he leans back a little to drive himself deeper into you. You accommodate him by arching up a little, but the position proves to be unsatisfying. You want more. You thrust back voraciously just as he pulls away, and you use your thighs to flip the two of you on his back. 

You smile languorously, and you plant your hands on his chest, and begin to grind your hips down. You take all of him rapaciously, and your hips stutter as they continue to chase a climax that is beginning to take ahold of you. Tobirama thrusts upwards as you come down, never giving up much control, and you throw your head back and let out a strangled scream as he continues to fuck you from below. 

  
  


A pleasurable shudder runs through you, and you lean forward to give Tobirama an open-mouthed kiss. His hands go to your waist to hold you there, and then, he sits up and slams you down on your back. The two of you end up at the corner of the bed, and Tobirama’s hips slam into you with more zeal, and you start to cry out uncontrollably. Tears flow down from the corners of your eyes, and you grab onto Tobirama’s back and run your nails down his shoulders. 

Tobirama places a leg on his shoulder, and he fucks you even more relentlessly. Somewhere in the background, you hear something snap and creak, but you are lost in the throes of passion, and your focus is only on your husband, whose cock is pulsating inside your tightening walls. He covers your body with his, and holds your hand above your head. You feel his cool chakra descend into your veins, and the feeling soothes and riles you up even more. You roll your hips back into him as he continues to ram himself deeper.

  
  


Suddenly, the corner of the bed gives, and the two of you fall to the floor, along with the sheets and the mattress. Tobirama rolls you to your back, not caring if the walls of this house are next to cave in. You seize and let out a strangled scream as a white, blinding light explodes beneath your eyelids and you mewl as he keeps going, this time, to reach his climax. 

Finally, his hips stutter and he pushes in as you feel him come inside of you. His hot seed fills you, and he gives you a few more thrusts before settling in. 

  
  


You shake underneath him, completely dazed and mind-numbed. You feel his hand on your face, reassuring and tender. 

The two of you hiss as Tobirama finally pulls out, and he collapses beside you. Your breaths are loud and harsh, and when they have slowed, Tobirama pulls you onto his body to embrace you. A kiss is planted on your forehead, and you close your eyes, unable to think of anything else but you and your husband, and the prospect of starting a family. 

  
  


//

  
  


You probably only slept for an hour or two when daylight started to flicker in through the small slits of the curtains. Your face is buried into Tobirama’s chest, while your husband lies on his back, staring at the ceiling. You feel kind of sorry towards him for riling him up so much as you are sure he probably did not get enough sleep. 

You yawn, and stretch languidly, feeling the soreness settle in. Tobirama glances at you, eyes stark and bright in the dim light of the room. 

“Up for more?” Tobirama suddenly brings up and you almost snap your neck to look at him. 

“Wait, what?” You gasp as he flips you to your back. “Don’t you have work?” 

Tobirama stares at you pointedly, and hooks his arms underneath your shoulders. 

“Won’t we break the house if we keep doing this?” You smile suggestively. 

  
  


Tobirama pauses, and with a passive face, he utters gravely, “Well, I do not want to do that. We’d be homeless, and with a needy child on the way.” 

You roll your eyes. “All right, Nidaime, that’s enough. What’s gotten into you? You’re getting ahead of yourself.” 

“We’ll go slow this time,” Tobirama plants a kiss on your chin, and you laugh. 

“Oh, slow is not your thing, my darling,” you tease, and you kiss him, with as much ardour he gives back to you. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally updated !!! <3 
> 
> thank you for reading!
> 
> kudos and comments are much appreciated.


	3. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some moral teetering, here and there, of realizing that not everything is what it's cracked up to be

When you finally come to, you feel an IV drip inserted into your hand. A heavy hand is resting on your arm, and it lifts off when you turn your head to the side. Tobirama stares at you, neither angry or placating, and once you get a good look at his face, you realize that he is quite sad. There is no sound in the background, but the desire to fill in the silence is strong. For once, you have run out of words. 

“You didn’t want to let me know.” Tobirama states after a long time. “Do you think I would not find out?” 

You bite your lip, just in case you say something wrong. 

“Do you not trust me?” Tobirama continues, and his tone becomes a little scalding. “Why would you want to keep this from me? I  _ am _ the Hokage.” 

  
  


“Tobirama,” you say. 

Tobirama looks away, and he takes a deep breath. “You have to be okay.” 

“I am okay,” you tell him what he has to believe. “I really am. All right?” You meet his eyes. 

  
  


Tobirama looks at you coolly, and he puts a hand on your forehead. “Rest, and I am not asking.” 

You take his hand from your forehead, and plant a kiss on his knuckles. Tobirama squeezes your hand and then nods at you, and he turns to exit the hospital room. You close your eyes again, but your mind replays the memories you would rather not revisit. You remember the pain, the way you felt like you were going to die. You remember how beaten and bruised Tobirama was when he found you, how close he was to losing his life, but he still found you and fought for you and for the child that you have lost. 

You were going to be okay, but the simplest things are often quick to trigger your emotions. You do not want to go back to the days where you can barely step out of the bedroom without having a breakdown. 

No, you have to be strong. You have to make it stop. 

  
  


You swing your legs to the side of the bed and take a deep breath. There is one way to make it all stop. You just have to eliminate the root of it all. 

  
  


//

  
  


After being enlisted by Mito to search for Hashirama, Tobirama finds himself wandering through the dark woods that are just outside of Konoha’s walls. At this hour of the night, the trees are not just trees–they are alive, they talk and they stand tall and eerie, covering the ground with their own world. The cold night breeze blows through, and the branches above him sway, and the shadows on the forest floor created by the wane moonlight begin to dance. 

Tobirama senses that he is getting farther and farther away from Konoha and not even closer to his brother, even though he knows that he is somewhere out here. Well, as of this moment, his presence seems to be everywhere. 

The air is not crisp, despite its chilliness. It feels tangy, and it almost makes Tobirama dizzy. Hashirama’s power here is so dense, so overpowering. The trees are literally weeping from it. The ground trembles from it, with the rocks rolling around and skittering, and the roots of the trees rearranging underground, restless. Probably like his brother. 

“Brother?” Tobirama calls, just in case. He hates how small his voice sounds, how  _ human _ . 

  
  


“Tobirama,” Hashirama suddenly appears beside him, and Tobirama whirls to his brother. 

Hashirama plants a hand on his shoulder and a shiver runs through Tobirama’s spine. 

“What–” Tobirama breathes out. His brother feels different. He feels like a part of something bigger, like this forest. 

“You’re out late, shouldn’t you be home?” Hashirama asks, and Tobirama notes how light and burden free he sounds. 

“Shouldn’t you?” 

  
  


Hashirama smiles and he pats the back of Tobirama’s neck. “I  _ am _ home, brother.” 

“Your wife and children need you at home, elder brother,” Tobirama searches his brother’s face. 

“I  _ need _ you,” Tobirama whispers, afraid of what Hashirama will say this time. He does not want to be rejected by his own brother. The last of his siblings. 

  
  


Hashirama looks to the sky, clear and dark, with countless stars glittering over the world like diamonds. The moon is halved, luminous yet it looks incomplete. 

  
  


“It’s calling me out,” Hashirama says, his voice sounding far away. 

Tobirama’s heart hurts, because he does not know what is ailing Hashirama. He wishes he can fix this. He takes his brother by the arm and he starts to drag him back towards the village. “We are going home.” 

“Do you not hear them?” 

“Hear what?” Tobirama snaps. He needs to get his brother away from here. 

  
  


He hurries, not caring if Hashirama is probably tripping over his own feet. They pass the familiar landmarks that lead to Konoha, and finally, they arrive just outside the walls. 

“The trees, brother,” Hashirama finally replies. “The trees are alive. Here, there. Everywhere.” 

  
  


//

  
  


You sneak into the underground prison where Miura Kimiko is currently detained. Alone in the dingy hallway, you detect the scent of mold, and the light on the ceiling crackles in a green-ish dim light. You brandish your sword, and it hangs by your side, waiting and thirsting for the next cut for blood. You grip the hilt, and you slice at the air to prepare yourself. 

You stop in your tracks as a shallow laugh echoes ahead. 

All the fight in your drains away, and you slink to the nearest wall. Your sword drops to the floor with a clang and you flinch from the noise. Immediately, you swoop down to grab it and you let out a shaky breath. 

You do not like this. You know that you are acting irrational. Even if you do what you have to do here, there will still be the pain and the guilt left behind. 

  
  


“Come back for a second attempt, m’lady?” You hear Kimiko rasp. She chuckles, sounding like rusty metals rubbing against each other, and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. 

You let out a deep breath, trying to will away the black spots in your vision. 

  
  


Then, without thinking anymore, you march up right outside her cell and wield your sword into a thrusting position. 

“Beautiful, merciful and graceful, wife of Senju Tobirama,” Kimiko drawls. “That’s what you’re known for, right? But we both know deep inside, you are just as twisted as your degenerate husband.”

You swallow, and you make out her frail silhouette in the darkness. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

  
  


Suddenly, Kimiko slams herself into the metal rails of the cell and you step back from surprise. 

“Don’t I?” Kimiko almost screeches. “Why don’t you just  _ die _ and see what I mean?” 

  
  


Her eyes stare you down, unhinged. Her hair is everywhere, matted and dishevelled. Her fingers on the rails look like finger bones. 

“Why won’t you just die?!” Kimiko shouts and she bangs at the cell bars. Then, she murmurs under her breath, “He will bring you back anyway.” Her arm juts out and she grabs on to the front of your collar. “While I will be alone!”

“Why did you do it?” You demand, leaning your face away from her. You finally gather up enough bravado to face her. You narrow your eyes at her words, unsure of what she means. Of course, you know that Tobirama will do everything he can to save you. He has proven it time after time again. 

  
  


Kimiko chuckles darkly, and you take your sword and place it next to her neck. 

“Finish the job then,” Kimiko sighs. “See how your husband will bend the rules because family is always the exception for him. He doesn’t care about us!” 

“You’re wrong!” You snap angrily. “He has done everything for this village. He has given his life for it every single day, and you cannot even begin to comprehend what the scope of his job is.”

“He is a hypocrite! You, him, and the rest of your damn Senju clan!” Kimiko glowers at you. “You and your shinobi ways. There is always some war to fight. Peace was never an option as long as you live!” 

  
  


You grit your teeth, feeling so vindictive at the audacity of assuming that your husband does not care about the village and its people. He cares so much that it is painful to watch him give his all, every single day in that damn office and his damn Hokage hat.

“How dare you?” You threaten. “You try to kill me, and have succeeded on killing my child–”

“You killed my child!” Kimiko screams. “Our Hokage, who is supposed to be our protector, killed my child!” 

“That is part of being a shinobi,” you bite back. 

  
  


“You can only say that because you are not out there, risking your life!” 

  
  


“Why me?!” You yell above her voice. Tears begin to stream from your eyes.

Kimiko’s hand withdraws from clutching your collar, and her shoulders slump down. “I do not know,” she says, hushed. 

A moment of silence passed, and the sheer rage you feel overwhelms your logic. All this pain, and for naught. You have done this a thousand times, have taken lives without much of a thought, that this should not be much of a chore. 

“Your husband dwells in the darkness, my lady, and in the shadows, he plays god with the dead,” Kimiko whispers. “He could just bring  _ her _ back.”

“What did you say?” You demand, her words passing over your ears. War cries into your ears, drowning out every voice.

Kimiko’s body shakes as she laughs, and the sight is horrendous. You want to stop it. It sounds mocking to you.

  
  


“Do it, wife of the Hokage! Do it!” 

Your hand shakes, and you wind your arm to strike at her neck, wanting to make yourself to really do it, to go through with this once and for all, when a hard grip stops your arm and suddenly, the world bends around you, swirling into hues of black and blue. When the world comes to, you fall to your hands, and you hear your sword drop with a thud. Your vision clears, and you see Tobirama’s long legs in front of you. 

  
  


Your hands clenched into a fist, gathering the dirt into your palms. 

“Why?” You say in a low voice. 

“Because if you do kill her, I would have to act as your Hokage and not as your husband,” Tobirama snaps in a hard voice. "Do not act unreasonably, like what you are doing right now."

“I don’t need my husband, I need the Hokage to punish her,” you lash out. 

  
  


Tobirama grabs you by the arms and forcefully stands you up. He looks angry. “I am punishing her. In accordance with the laws.” 

“The laws you and your brother constituted!” You push him away from you and you start to cry uncontrollably. 

  
  


Tobirama takes a deep breath, and he clenches his fists. “If you want to kill someone, then kill me, as I am the one who withdrew you from that mission that took your students’ lives. At least, dying by your hand, I know that justice is served. There is no better way to go.” 

  
  


Your tears fall down your face, and down to your chest. You look at him, and despite all the resentment you feel, you are able to process what he is not showing you.

You shake your head, and you face the village before you. He has taken you on the top of a hill that is opposite the Hokage monument, and from here, you can see what Tobirama has built. How beautiful it looks from above.

  
  


"I  _ would,  _ but you will never fight back," you cringe at the way you sob your words out. 

  
  


Tobirama stays silent, but you feel how heavy his heart is, and his frustration and helplessness is rolling out in waves. You are supposed to be the one supporting and helping him, but you feel so weak and out of place, like time just stopped for you and no matter how much you try to move forward, you are put back into your place.

  
  


You close your eyes, and you hear Kimiko's words replaying back into your mind, now that you are starting to calm down. 

You glance at your husband, who is staring lasers at the ground.

You clutch your arms with your hands and you step closer to him. 

  
  


Tobirama looks up and you sense anguish beneath his eyes. The both of you had lost a lot. Your eyes meet his, and you see him struggling to put his walls up. 

  
  


"Let’s get you home," Tobirama curtly says, and he gestures down the path.

You step forward and take one more glance at his face. He cannot seem to meet your eyes again, the more your stare lingers.

  
  


_ Your husband dwells in the darkness...and in the shadows, he plays god with the dead. _

  
  


Your hand juts out to take his and Tobirama flinches. His hand is very cold. 

  
  


You look at your joined hands and you exhale slowly. “I am sorry.” 

Tobirama looks shocked at your words. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

  
  


You nod glumly, and Tobirama laces his fingers with yours. “I wasn’t going to kill her. I don’t think I can. I tried to. I wanted to.” 

Tobirama tugs your hand and you end up even closer to him. There are tiny steps to get closer, and he is running through them all at once. 

  
  


“I know,” Tobirama whispers. He sounds relieved. 

  
  


“I’m not really as good as people let me out to be, hm?” You tell him sadly. “I have been feeling so numb and distant for all this time. I wasn’t thinking. I have failed you.” 

“You will never fail me,” Tobirama reassures, and his large palm covers the side of your face. “Please do not say that.” 

  
  


His thumb catches a tear, and he slowly pulls you into his embrace. He rests his chin on top of your head, and he starts to berate you. “I told you to rest, and because you did not heed my advice, you are acting irrationally. Do not get out of bed tomorrow. I will send Biwako to check on you.” 

You roll your eyes, despite the grimness of the situation. 

“Focus on getting well,” Tobirama continues on, but the usual bite in his voice is gone. “ _ I _ need you to be well.” 

  
  


You hear the plea in his voice, the desperation that he refuses to show but it bleeds out in various ways. He does not say please or beg, but you notice that he is not imposing. You almost lost your mind today, and acted on an impulse that you can never come back from. You forget for a moment that the ground you stand on is solid, and that you have your values that you hold close to your heart. You realize that you will lose yourself to that darkness, but you are not the only one losing here either. There is Tobirama, who teeters between the gray area of black and white, who is capable of many heinous things as long as they are justified, but he still looks to you for some understanding and depends on you. 

  
  


The revelation reels you in. You always refused to acknowledge it, but you have always known that you had a penchant for understanding even the most derelict person. Even Kimiko. You understand her too well, but this time, you had let your anger and resentment control you. You understand that she is hurt, and because of that, you want to hurt her back. However, if you continue on this path, you are no better than the enemy shinobi out there. You are no better than her. 

Sometimes, it is hard to be aware, and to possess a conscience that speaks loud and clear. Sometimes, it is hard to follow a steady moral compass. 

  
  


You want her atonement, as you simply cannot let go what she has done to you, but that cannot happen if she dies. Merciful as people, as Tobirama, makes you out to be, you are also human. 

Once, everything was so simple. You lived by the ways of shinobi. You fought as one. Now, things have changed. You cannot have the same narrow view anymore, despite wanting–no, forcing yourself to see through a gilded scope. There will always be the bad things, but you need to acknowledge that, and learn and be better because you are needed. 

You remember Madara’s words to you, of your husband setting himself up to fail, and you revitalize the drive to ensure that he will not. 

Not in this lifetime, if you can help it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one is really okay in here. like. NO ONE.
> 
> //
> 
> Evanescence - Lost in Paradise
> 
> //
> 
> I think the following chapters would just be focused on the "Then" we will see, depending on the pacing for the next one.
> 
> Edit note: bruh I just realized I put an IV drip in the beginning, how advanced were their medical equipment during this time? OOF HAHAHA naruto verse is so weird makes me feel.like these things happen 500 yrs ago but..  
> Not really. Lol.


	4. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some comedy,, more doing the deedddd, some comedic relief, hah! light-hearted stuff while the glaring dramatic irony lingers

Tobirama is busy meeting with delegates from Kumogakure, and you are stuck being a wife in your own home, trying not to get embarrassed in front of the servants as you talk about replacing the broken bed in your room and changing the curtains around the house, or some other household detail that needs attending. You also talk with the cook in the kitchen about dinner, as Tobirama’s students are going to come over tonight, and you want to make sure that the food will be up to their tastes. 

You trudge through your day until past noon, deciding that it is a good time to drop by the Hokage mansion to get your stubborn husband to eat something. The more Tobirama gets busy, the more he ignores the simplest ways to sustain himself. It is even harder to get him off when he is hard at work and is very focused on his tasks. He has a way of zeroing in on whatever he is doing, and while he is quite efficient at it, hours can pass him by before he even considers taking a break. 

  
  


This part of Tobirama, you admire and loathe him for it, because he rarely thinks about taking care of himself. It has always been work for him, and you know that he enjoys it more than anything, despite the stress that it brings him. 

Now that you have taken a step back from being an active shinobi, you are able to look after him in your own way. There are times he resists being looked after, but after some pushing and prodding on your part, he would grudgingly accept it. 

Being married to him and getting to know more sides of him is thrilling, and it makes you fall for him even more. 

  
  


In your bedroom, preparing to drop by the Hokage office, you study your clothes, deciding which kimono you should wear and which outer robe or pair of sandals you want to match it with. You have never really thought about fashion that much, because you often opted for practical clothing. Now that you are the Hokage's wife, you know you have to look the part, and also, it does not hurt to wear something pretty for your husband. 

After deciding with a light green kimono with a slit on the left leg, and pairing a yellow outer coat to complement it, you step out of the bedroom to head down the kitchen. 

The house is quiet, except for the quiet footsteps just outside the house, indicating that the servants of the house are keeping away to give you some privacy. You really do not mind their company, but they are gone before you can express your sentiments. 

  
  


You make a mental note to change that. Despite being in a village where classes of people are blurred, it seems to be different within clans. You know that some of the Senju have married with the common folk and into other clans, but since the two heads of the clan are Hokage, that part of the family is treated almost like royalty. 

You shake your head. Hierarchies were the least of your problems, especially one that involves family. In the shinobi world, it is simpler, and there are many opportunities to move up your rank. Whereas, being part of the more mundane life, it is a whole different world from what you knew. 

You uncover the pan where the cook had left the fried fish that Tobirama likes and you begin to pack it into a box, along with rice and some side dishes that he sometimes eats along with this kind of dish. You prepare his tea, and a few rice cakes, then you wrap everything into a nice blanket to make it easier to carry. 

  
  


Footsteps approach the long kitchen, and you whirl around, only to spot Miura Kimiko. 

“My lady, I am so sorry to interrupt!” Kimiko expresses. 

  
  


“Oh, it’s you,” you greet. You throw a smile at the last minute to reassure that there is nothing to worry about. You are completely caught off-guard by her presence, since no one is really around you at the moment. “I have been meaning to talk to you.” 

Kimiko smiles kindly. “Really?” 

You let out a nervous giggle. “Well, it turns out that I may need your help after all. You know, with the...” You trail off and you give Kimiko an embarrassed look. 

  
  


Kimiko’s face lights up in joy, and you finally let out a genuine smile. “That’s great, my lady!” 

You press a hand to your forehead and laugh. “I had no idea that he would be so quick to decide. He seemed very eager.” 

  
  


Kimiko laughs, and you take Tobirama’s wrapped lunch. 

  
  


“I see,” Kimiko walks towards you, and pauses at the cupboards. “I will have to make a quick trip to the market. We can talk later, and I can show you and give you your first batch of tea for fertility purposes. Then, along the way, we’ll talk of the supplements that will ensure a healthy birth.” 

  
  


You meet her eyes. “Thank you, Kimiko-san. I really appreciate this.” You give her a small bow. “I will put my trust in you.” 

“I am honored, my lady,” Kimiko replies, and from there, you leave her be in the kitchen to make your way towards the Hokage office.

  
  


//

  
  


There was some waiting to be done, once you get in the Hokage office. The mansion is flourishing with many people, delegates and their aides that have been authorized to stay there for the duration of their visit. It seems that peace negotiations are coming along well, judging by the atmosphere of the place. There is no tension that you feel. You hope that Tobirama’s alliance with Kumo will come along soon, though you foresee the many months of more political talks that will ail his office hours. 

Sensing that Tobirama will not be available immediately, you tell one of his guards that you will be waiting in the library for him, and make your way there. 

  
  


You smile at the familiar sight, the moment you step in. It has been a while since you have been here, in this place, where you and Tobirama had spent a lot of your earlier years together, and where your love probably first budded from. You learned more from each other through observation and silence, and of course, your nonstop banter that somehow turned into a dance of flirtationship. 

It seems so long ago. 

  
  


You look to the table where the two of you had spent countless hours poring over research books, record books and writing into scrolls and manuscripts about plans for the growing Academy. This place has evolved–it used to be smaller. There are now more bookshelves that are being filled with newer books, and the restricted section, only accessible to those jounin level and higher, are also growing, no doubt due to your husband’s non-stop inventions. He had a huge hand in writing a lot of academic research and theory that will certainly help the future generations. That is what he is hoping for, after all, to build something that will last. 

  
  


You finally sit at your table, where dust is gathering and swirling in motes due to the sunlight peering in from the window. There is a clock at the back of the library, and it clicks loudly, echoing in the dusty, warm place to signal the passing time. 

You trace a finger on the table, remembering that Tobirama found it childish that you doodle on random things, and then you remember telling him off and to mind his own business. 

  
  


“What are you smiling about?” Tobirama’s voice interrupts your thoughts and you turn your head to his direction. He comes closer and he glances at the table, probably coming into a realization. “I see. You were a bit of a terror back then.” 

  
  


Tobirama sits across from you, and you notice that he is wearing his Hokage clothes. 

  
  


“Long day?” You ask. 

“The day has not even begun to start,” Tobirama sighs, and he begins to roll his sleeves back. “It is hard to keep track of the delegates coming in and out, and harder to make sure that  _ our _ own delegates in Kumo are not messing up anything.” 

  
  


“Well, have a little faith,” you tell him. 

Tobirama rolls his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure a  _ little _ faith will do it. One of them, by the way, is my eldest nephew, and he is everything Hashirama is and none of his mother’s tact and charm.” 

“Your brother  _ is  _ charming, stop it.” You crack a smile. 

Tobirama narrows his eyes at you as he unpacks the lunch you have brought him. “Yes, he has charm, and he is sunshine and all about inspiration, that will  _ dazzle _ the leaders of Kumogakure.”

  
  


You roll your eyes. “This is a good thing. He gets to show off the youthfulness that peaceful times can only bring.”

If Tobirama could laugh out loud, this moment would be it. However, he lets out a huff of breath with a small smile, his version of being amused. “Perhaps. That ought to be the winning argument.” 

  
  


You let Tobirama eat in peace, and instead, decide to wander around the library to find the old places you used to crash into when you and Tobirama had to pull all-nighters, or when you just needed some space from him being a blunt asshole. You pull out the books that he used to recommend you, and flip through the pages where he had left tiny notes and markers for you to find. All of them, you have kept and preserved. 

Back then, you found this part of Tobirama confusing and annoying, because he keeps passing you one book after another in the guise of studying it, but now that you think about it, this was his way of letting you know that he was interested. You remember the folded papers and bookmarks that would fall out when you open them, and your miffedness from trying to collect them from the ground. You were convinced that Tobirama was out to get you. 

  
  


“You know what, husband, I take it back. You were a bit of a charmer back then,” you note as you sense him approaching. You slide the book back into its shelf, creating a cleaner path from the dust.

“And you were quite mean,” Tobirama says with a hint of mock wonder. “What were your words? That I was a senile, arrogant bastard who can go stick–”

“Alright, alright,” you interrupt and shoot him a glare. “I said I take it back.” 

“Yes, but my poor heart,” Tobirama sarcastically replies. 

  
  


You look at him, feigning bewilderment. “Are you joking around with me?  _ Wow _ ! You  _ are  _ capable of such things!” 

Tobirama smirks. “I  _ am _ capable of many things.” 

  
  


You scoff. “Your audacity at this moment, Lord Nidaime.” 

Tobirama does not even look like there is a hint of shame on that proud, stoic face of his. 

  
  


You bite back a smirk, and the two of you stare at each other for a short moment. The air between you changes, and before you know it, Tobirama is pushing you against the bookshelves, his mouth on yours, and his rough hands slipping through the slit of your kimono to grope your hips. You hear books fall to the floor and scrolls rolling on its surface, and your hand goes above your head to find some sort of purchase. 

  
  


“Maybe I should have done this earlier and saved us the confusion of finding out if we really did like each other,” Tobirama roughly whispers into your ear. 

“If you did, I would have certainly, absolutely have stabbed my katana into your–” 

  
  


Tobirama steals your last words by pushing his tongue through your mouth and you moan, pleased. 

  
  


“Can you really afford to waste time like this?” You gasp as Tobirama delves into your neck intensely. 

“I’m the Hokage,” Tobirama answers curtly. 

“Some abuse of power right there.” 

  
  


You close your eyes as Tobirama’s hands cup your ass and presses you against his body, where you can feel his half-aroused erection. You grind against him, and he pushes you into the bookshelf again, where you can feel the edge of the shelves pressing against your back. 

  
  


“Haven’t you had enough?” You ask him beguilingly. 

  
  


Tobirama stares at you with a serious expression, and something about it makes you weak. “Of you?” He plants a tender kiss on your lips. “If you begin to impose too much.” 

You roll your eyes. “Alright, goodbye. I’ll see you at home. Enjoy your erection.” 

  
  


You attempt to leave his grasp, but he steadies you in one place with firm hands. 

  
  


“Where are you going, and with this cut in your clothing? Let’s put it into good use, shall we?” Tobirama says in a low voice. 

He whirls you around, and hikes up your clothes up to your hips. The cool air makes you shiver, and you grab onto a shelf to steady yourself. Tobirama is taller, and he is pulling you against himself, making your balance unsteady. 

Your husband runs a hand between your thighs, and you can’t help but moan when he begins to rub his fingers against your heat. He stops, and then you hear quick shuffling of clothes behind you. You reach behind you to feel Tobirama and you let out a low chuckle when you realize that he has opted to shed his Hokage robes. 

  
  


“You have got it bad, Lord Nidaime,” you murmur. 

“Yes, poor me, whatever shall I do now,” he says quickly. He grips your hip and positions it so that he can perfectly align against your entrance. 

Then, he slips in, and you let out a long drawn moan as he sheathes himself inside you completely. 

You hear him murmur curses, and you gasp as he rears back, only to slam himself back in with a precision that immediately paints your vision white. You forget you have legs, and you almost fall down as Tobirama begins to thrust into you unforgivingly. You let out a cry, and his hand quickly slaps over your mouth. 

You hear his harsh breaths, getting louder and faster. Your lower back curves a little bit more, and the angle changes, and Tobirama begins to pound the spot that makes your body buck into him wildly. 

  
  


With nothing to support yourself, you accidentally tear the shelf in half above your head, and more books come crashing into the floor. Tobirama moves the two of you away from the mess, and he plasters you against the wall. You can only gasp as he resumes his fucking, and the slick sounds of skin against skin, of the neck-breaking speed that Tobirama snaps his hips to, makes you come so hard that you only remember worrying about the roof or the floor caving in until Tobirama places you on a table, and begins to fuck you there. 

You cry out, slewing curses with a creativity that only comes when you are high. 

  
  


The table beneath you breaks, and Tobirama lowers your conjoined bodies onto the floor. You hold on to his shoulders, and lean back as he uses his tongue and his lips trace your neck and to plant light bruises there. You grind into him, chasing another high, and you end up pulling at his hair to expose more of his neck. 

  
  


You suck on the side of his neck, and his hands on your hips begin to guide you into a slow, agonizing rhythm. Finally, the two of you kiss, and Tobirama gives you a hard thrust upwards that sends your legs flailing, and you feel his cock twitch inside you as he breeds you with his hot seed. 

  
  


“Oh my gods,” you murmur, but you are not sure if you have said it out loud. 

  
  


Tobirama is still breathing harshly against your shoulder, and he is holding onto you like a tight coil. You feel his heart thundering against his chest, and as you come to, Tobirama shows no sign of letting up his grip. Slowly, you run a hand down his arm to soothe him. You give light kisses on the side of his face, and you continue to caress him gently. 

  
  


"Too much?" You ask teasingly. 

Tobirama coughs, and even that sounds embarrassed. "We're really doing this." 

"It hasn't set in yet, huh?" 

  
  


Tobirama squeezes your waist with his arms as his reply and you rest your head on his shoulder. 

"Are you going to let go of me?" You ask tentatively. 

  
  


Tobirama lets out a sigh and you stifle a giggle. It is rare to catch a very soft Tobirama. 

"Are you not tired?" Tobirama asks. 

"No, not at all." You lean back and narrow your eyes at him. "Are you? Is your age catching up?"

Tobirama scoffs and he immediately scowls. "I am not that old, and I can go for more if you want." 

  
  


You lean towards him languorously, a victorious smile spreading across your lips. "Yes, but you have a job to do." 

  
  


Tobirama slowly eases you off of him. "They can wait. I think I'll get a chronic migraine because of some hard to please delegates." 

"With that expression of yours, one might think you already do," you can't resist saying back.

  
  


Tobirama stares at you blankly. "Now I get why people are wondering why I married you,” he deadpans. 

“I beg to differ, Lord Nidaime, I’m quite the catch,” you smile cheekily as you watch Tobirama’s ears flush pink. 

  
  


You give your husband a few quick kisses on the lips before he can react, and you move away to stand up and gather yourself.

“Whoah.” Your legs wobble slightly as you take a step.

Tobirama catches you by the elbow, and you feel your face blush from his action. 

  
  


“Careful,” he warns. 

“Right,” you say in a quiet voice. You survey the damage and you swallow nervously. “Um...I am going to stay here, and clean up and also make sure that I do not look like I just got mugged.”

  
  


Tobirama throws you a dirty look as he searches for his clothes. “Don’t worry about the mess, I will take care of it.” 

“I was talking about myself,” you run a hand through your hair. 

  
  


Tobirama quickly puts on his clothes, and you watch him, surrounded by the broken bookshelves and the books littered on the floor. You can sense that the two of you are panicking about getting caught, or having someone walk in here, especially when the Hokage mansion is housing so many people. 

  
  


“You’re the worst,” you blurt out. 

Tobirama raises an eyebrow and slides on his sandals. His serious expression becomes funnier as his hard features begin to morph into helplessness. You note the blooming bruises on his neck, and you gesture at it, with the same helplessness. 

“Right,” Tobirama awkwardly says and tugs his collar up. 

The two of you stare at each other with the familiarity of two strangers in the wrong place, and Tobirama skeeters out of the library in the most elegant way that he can muster, and when he is gone, you slide to the floor, staring at the space in front of you, then, you begin to laugh out loud. 

  
  


//

  
  


Instead of going straight home, you try your best to clean up the library, and to check your image on the glass window to make sure you look representable. Then, you wait for Tobirama in a common lounge since this whole ordeal took the whole afternoon, and it is now nearing dinner. 

You wrap your outer coat tighter, and try to mask the slight limp that you have developed over the course of the afternoon. 

Finally, your husband is out of his work’s clutches for now, and the two of you hurry home, trying to beat Tobirama’s students there so that the two of you can freshen up. 

However, your plans are ruined, when you find the six of them standing on the yard, aghast as the servants haul out the bed that the two of you have broken, and they watch, as a new bed is carried into the house. 

  
  


Tobirama stiffens beside you, and you manage a small smile, knowing that you look disheveled as you feel. 

In the yard, both Hiruzen and Danzo look horrified, Torifu is pale, Kagami and Homura have their mouths opened, and in all of their eyes you can see a growing realization, while Koharu struggles to keep her face from deviating from her usual strict expression. 

  
  


Tobirama stands beside you, calm and collected, regal and shameless. He nods, and he leaves you in the yard and walks abruptly into the house. 

  
  
  
“EW!” The boys shouted. 

Koharu rolls her eyes and she starts to walk away. "Get it together," she snaps. 

You resist the urge to put a hand on your face to cover up your embarrassment, and instead, choose to walk towards the house with your whole chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3 !
> 
> // ugh ik more smut lmao sorry uhhhhhhh 
> 
> kudos and comments are much appreciated.


	5. Then

When Tobirama is determined, he is _very_ tenacious. He does not let up until the results are up to his satisfaction. Which would probably explain why the moment he comes home, the two of you are rushing upstairs to make it to the bedroom to fuck and not on the stairs, or the hallways, or anywhere else where you could get caught in an embarrassing way. You’re probably already pregnant from the first time, but since there is no way of telling at the moment, Tobirama has taken it upon himself to make sure that the deed is done well and good. He comes home earlier than usual, despite the heavy work that has to be done for the peaceful treaty with Kumogakure, and then if he still has some work to do, he goes back to the office and leaves you satiated. 

You can tell that Tobirama is excited, despite not showing it. When you tease him about it, he only says that it is part of his duty to bring a new generation of shinobis into the village, especially as the Hokage, but when you look away, you can feel his gaze on you and practically feel his wonder at the prospect of having children. Of course, the both of you have that duty to parent children, but you trust Tobirama to be a good father and a teacher, because he had a huge hand in fostering young children into good shinobis. 

  
  


You can tell that there is also a lot on his mind, and he seems to be a bit worried about how he will be as a father. It is on the way his brows knit whenever you mention the small things you want your children to experience or whenever you see something on the street, like a toy or a nursery crib for sale. 

You cannot get anything out of him though, so you can only guess for now. 

  
  


Today is one of those slow days, so you take it upon yourself to look for Kimiko, so that the two of you can plan ahead for your pregnancy. You are still not sure what steps to take or whatever supplements you might have to take because you never bothered to take those things seriously. Now, you wish you had because you hate bothering people for help, even though it was offered to you. 

You chuckle silently to yourself. You preach about things people ought to do, like asking for help, but sometimes you fail to do just that. However, this is something you are trying to change about yourself. You still have a lot of growing to do. 

  
  


You head to the kitchen, accidentally startling the servants that are there. 

You smile at them kindly, and take your time to inquire about them. You share a few laughs, and then, you ask if there is something you can do to help out, hoping that there really is something, but they refuse your help and reassure you that they can take care of everything. Not being able to say anything else, you leave them be and you go on for your search for Kimiko. 

Finally, you find her outside, hanging up bedsheets on the clothesline. 

“Kimiko-san!” You call with relief. You jump over the steps leading to the ground and jog to her. 

  
  


Kimiko stares at you worriedly. “My lady, you must not hurry like that. You could get hurt.”

You shrug, and you help her spread the next sheet over the clothesline. You give her a small smile. “My husband says the same thing.” 

Kimiko chuckles as she places a pin over the blanket. “He is very protective of you.”

“Too much, at times,” you giggle and you hand Kimiko another clothespin. 

  
  


“He means well,” Kimiko replies and the two of you finish the rest of the laundry in silence. 

  
  


After hanging all the laundry, Kimiko leads you towards the dining room and asks you to wait there. You look towards the wall, where you and the other servants have hung some tapestries that Tobirama had received as gifts for becoming the Hokage, and to the painting of a snow mountain range on the wall. The house is minimal and almost spartan, but it is comfortable and pleasing to look at. You want the decorations to be practical, and because at times you couldn’t make yourself care about such things, you decided to make do with the collections of arts that Tobirama and the other Senju clan members have curated and given to your household. 

Some are kept in storage as you have no idea where to place them. There are rooms in the house that remain empty, but you know that your husband may need those spaces for his growing library and his multiple journals, or his unfinished inventions that may never see the light of the day and your combined weapons. 

And the rest of the rooms upstairs can be the rooms for your future children. 

You smile at the thought and tuck that inside your mind for later entertaining. 

  
  


You light the incense burner propped on a stand and then you go back to your seat, feeling a bit restless. You wish you could put your extra energy into training or being a shinobi, but those days are over. If you decide to defy your husband and continue to take missions, the people of Konoha may talk, and you do not want them to speak ill of your husband. They already concern themselves with your reproductive capabilities. They cannot be privy to any of your marital matters. 

  
  


You sigh tiredly, but Kimiko walks in and you immediately compose yourself and shoot her a smile. 

  
  


“Let’s begin!” You say excitedly. 

Kimiko lays out several herbs and medicines on the table, some in vials or jars, and you are drawn to the colors, like a little kid. She sits down in front of you and gives you an amused smile and you give her your full attention, like you assume how good students do. 

  
  


“Do you know whether you’re pregnant yet?” Kimiko inquires. 

You shrug, and give her a meek smile. “No. I am assuming that I will have to wait and see next month.” 

Kimiko sits down in front of you, unsure of how to react. “Well, do you feel any different? Do you feel nauseous? More tired than usual? Light-headed?”

“No,” you think back and reflect on this hectic month, but you come up with nothing. “I don’t have any problems with fertility, do I?” You feel some dread creeping up your throat. The thought of it almost brings tears to your eyes and you’re not much of a crier. 

“No, my lady,” Kimiko immediately reassures. “Sometimes it takes a while. It’s different for women, not all experiences are the same across the board.” She smiles and reaches for your hand. “Besides, it’s a bit too early to tell. I was just asking because I don’t know how long you two have been, well, you know.”

  
  


You blush and stare at her, dumbfounded. “Oh.” 

“Do not worry too much,” Kimiko squeezes your hand. “Besides, that is not good for you. You don’t want your body to be stressed.” 

  
  


You nod and then gesture at the small apothecary that she brought with her. “So where do we start?” 

“Well, since you are not pregnant yet, we’re just going to make sure that you’re eating healthy and that you’re taking care of yourself,” Kimiko says. “You need to take some supplements, and I can prepare those with every meal you have.”

“What kind?” 

“Like, when you’re pregnant, sometimes a woman’s body will be depleted of iron, so you’ll have to take more of that. You’ll need to eat lots of vegetables too, to get your source of vitamins. Ginger tea as well.” 

“For?”

“Morning sickness, and the like.”

  
  


“I don’t even know where to begin,” you tell her, but you have already noted down the important details in your mind. “It sounds like a lot.”

Kimiko nods. “You need not to worry, my lady. It will be part of your daily routine, and I will help you.” 

  
  


Kimiko begins to point out the herbs and the tea leaves, and some of the medicines that she brought with her, and you do your best to follow. You memorize the vials for treating certain symptoms that do not sound all good to you, and the jars with the ginger roots and the honey citrus tea, and other pleasant smelling green leaves that she presented. 

Then, she tells you all about what to expect in the coming months. They do not sound delightful, especially when she tells you about the swollen legs and your muscles loosening and the gaining of weight or the crazy cravings, but then she tells you about what to look forward to, such as the first kick of your baby, and that you can even talk to them while inside your womb. 

  
  


“Do you have any questions?” Kimiko asks as she notices that you have grown quiet. 

You shake your head. “No, not really. I’m just…”

“Overwhelmed?” Kimiko supplies a gentle smile.

You chuckle. “Yes. A little. I’m scared and excited.”

  
  


The doors of the dining room slides open, and they reveal your husband, dressed in his training clothes, the blue wrap-around shirt and trousers and his mesh under armour, and the green sash tied across his waist. Sweat covers his neck and his chest, and you observe his collarbones, finding yourself pressing your lips together. 

  
  


“Rough day?” You ask with a sly smile. 

Kimiko clears her throat and she starts to gather the things from the table. The servants of the house are probably tired of the two of you flirting and fucking around. 

  
  


“Are those opiates?” Tobirama inquires, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. He glances at you with a raised eyebrow. “Is she alright?” 

Kimiko lets out a strained laugh, and you take note the way her voice changed. “Ah, my lord. Those are for pain-numbing concoctions. They can be used in small doses, and should your wife need it for the pain that comes with giving birth…”

Tobirama nods. “I see.” His forehead wrinkles. “I need to talk to my wife.” 

  
  


You roll your eyes at Tobirama’s abruptness and you jump up to your feet. You quickly walk up to him and push him out of the dining room, and usher him towards the hallway that leads to upstairs. 

  
  


“You are so rude,” you scold playfully. You bump your shoulder against his arm. “I forgot to ask her how I can find out if I’m pregnant. I’m sure there's, like, some mystical way of doing it. Like tracing the stars on the skies, or like, a lunar eclipse.”

  
  


Tobirama crosses his arms and he rolls his eyes. “Just take some wheat or barley seeds and proceed to urinate on it. If it grows, then you are pregnant. If not, then, we’d have to keep trying.” 

Your jaw drops open. The idea of it is embarrassing to even think about doing.

Tobirama glances at you indifferently. “I have many nephews. The Senjus did this to confirm pregnancies. Barley for boys, wheat for girls.” 

“You’re joking, right?” 

  
  


Tobirama raises his eyebrows and stares at you pointedly. You are not sure whether he is kidding or not, and it makes you a little peeved. 

  
  


“Why would I?” Tobirama asks in a tone that makes you think otherwise. 

“The Senju and their plants,” you roll your eyes and let out a small sigh. 

  
  


Tobirama shrugs, and you press your hand against his chest, and you push him towards the wall. 

  
  


“What are you doing?” Tobirama suddenly looks alarmed. 

“A service.”

“I beg to differ,” Tobirama looks offended. A harsh, red blush begins to creep up his neck and his ears. 

  
  


You pull him against yourself using the sash around his waist. 

“Our Hokage’s been hard at work,” you whisper on his lips. “It’s only right that I reward him for it.” 

Tobirama leans his head away, but there is nowhere for him to go. 

  
  


You stand on your tiptoes, and you lean forward to catch his lips. Tobirama stops, and when you pull away, he looks at you, bewildered and suddenly speechless. 

“What?” You ask. “What were you thinking?” You give him a cheeky grin. 

  
  


Tobirama’s face pinks and his hands grasp the sides of your arms. “Nothing.” 

“Hm-hm. That’s what I thought.” 

  
  


Tobirama’s jaw tenses, and you cannot help but smile wider. 

  
  


“You do this on purpose.” 

“Whatever do you mean, Lord Nidaime?” You feign innocence. You lean closer to his face. “What did you want to talk with me about?” 

  
  


Tobirama stares at you, at a loss. 

“I’m listening–”

  
  


Tobirama seals your lips with a kiss, so quick that it does not register to you that your back has hit your bed. The seal that Tobirama plasted on the bed recently does have its perks. 

  
  


“Let’s use that bratty mouth of yours to good use, shall we?” Tobirama growls into your ear, and your breath catches in your throat. 

Tobirama slips two fingers into your mouth, the pads of his fingers brushing against the roof of your mouth. You swirl your tongue around his fingers and you begin to suck at it, and Tobirama’s eyes narrow with lust. 

“Good girl,” he whispers. 

  
  


//

  
  


Sweaty and panting, you and your Senju husband lie side by side on the bed. Your body is still trembling from the ecstasy of being filled over and over again by Tobirama’s seed, and each touch and movement makes your shudder and moan. Tears stream down the side of your eyes, and you are sure that you have drooled yourself, but none of that registers yet. Your mind is still frayed, and you remember the sensation of Tobirama’s cock pulsating in your mouth, the way his aroused flesh just feels so rubbery and slick, and the way it throbbed and hardened inside you until he had emptied his load in you. 

You touch your tongue to your lips, and you close your eyes, still seeing stars. 

  
  


You feel his rough hand on your waist, and you whimper, unable to bear any slight movement at the moment. Tobirama gathers you into his arms and you tense up. It takes a moment, but finally, you relax and melt into him. 

  
  


“Dinner will be ready in an hour,” Tobirama states. 

“Hm,” you say, or what you think you have said. 

  
  


You share another moment of silence with each other, and you are content to listen to his racing heartbeat, which you have familiarized yourself with. You know every inflection and startle of his heart, and whether they mean he is calm or stressed. 

Finally, your bones have settled into a pleasant feeling of fatigue, and you turn to your husband slightly. 

“Something on your mind?” 

Tobirama takes a minute to answer you. “Yes.”

“What is it?” 

“The peace negotiations with Kumo are successful. We will have the peace ceremony in six months.” 

“That is good,” you comment, your eyes flitting close. 

“I hope so,” Tobirama says. “I will have to go.” 

“Do you want me to come with you?” 

“No, I’d rather you stay here, knowing that you will be safe,” Tobirama answers. “Besides, if all things go well, you’ll be pregnant, and the trip to Kumo will not be suitable for your health.” 

  
  


“All right,” you acquiesce. 

“That easy?” 

“You know best.” 

“I thought it’d be hard to convince you.” 

  
  


You roll your eyes. “Believe it or not, I actually do listen to you.” 

Tobirama lets out a low, amused chuckle. “I see.”

“You laughed,” you yawn. 

“I beg to differ.” 

“Chuckled,” you dreamily correct. “I’ll pull more laughs from you, Senju. Mark my words.”

  
  


Tobirama brushes your hair from your face and plants a kiss behind your ear. “I am counting on them.” 

  
  


//

  
  


A new month begins, and you anticipate for the week of your menstruation. You find yourself alone again, as these days Tobirama does not want you to concern yourself with any of his Hokage duties. He has been mostly focused with Kumogakure, and while you want to do everything in your power to help him, you know that this is something that he may have to do alone, as he is the best in delegating. Inserting yourself into his manifested but fragile chaos may not let him give his full attention to it. Besides, this is the first outside project that Tobirama has taken on as the Second Hokage. The best you can do for now is to support him. 

In your alone time, you pick up on reading again, whether they are about parenthood that Tobirama brought into the house at one point, or books of poems and fiction that he had curated over the years. 

And in that alone time, you ponder the idea of what Tobirama had told you a while ago. 

  
  


_If it does not work, then I’ll have a good laugh,_ you tell yourself as you go into the kitchen. 

  
  


You rummage through the kitchen, being careful not to make any noise so that no one will come to hear your lame excuse of being here. Finally, you get your hands on wheat and barley seeds and a humongous amount of snacks because you are hungry and these snacks look delicious, and just thinking about how its flavors make you look forward to eating them. 

You feel silly just holding on to these seeds, but you make it quick by stuffing a pot with soil, planting the seeds there and doing the rest in your bathroom. Then, you hide the pot in the inner garden downstairs, and you stay the rest of the day in your room, eating and studying. 

  
  


Time goes by so slowly when you are not doing much, and pretty soon, you find your eyes growing heavy, and before you know it, you are sleeping in the comfort of your bed. 

When you open your eyes, it is nighttime, and your husband is peering at you with concern or maybe disapproval because you remember leaving some snacks on the bed. He touches your forehead and his cool palm makes you flip your eyes close. 

  
  


“The servants tell me you have not come down to eat lunch and dinner,” Tobirama states. “Are you unwell?” 

You yawn and stretch, and you blink blearily at him. “No?” It takes a moment for his words to register. “Wait, I missed dinner?” 

“It is almost midnight,” Tobirama replies. 

  
  


“Oh,” you deadpan. 

Tobirama sighs. “Let’s get you something to eat.” 

“Did you just come home now?” You ask as you follow him down to the dining room. 

  
  


“I got held up at work,” Tobirama replies vaguely. He makes sure that you are seated on the table and he disappears into the kitchen for a while. 

When he arrives, he brings a whole entree of food with him: the rice, soup with vegetables and meat, steamed sweet potatoes, fish and a few side dishes to go with it. 

Tobirama silently sets up your plate and utensils, and you thank him and begin to eat the rest of the food in silence. When the rice has run out, Tobirama stands up to get more without saying anything, only choosing to comment about making sure to slow down and chew through your food. You shrug at him, still hungry despite devouring the last of the sweet potatoes. 

  
  


Tobirama narrows his eyes, but he keeps mum for the rest of the night, and leaves you to your own thoughts. 

  
  


//

  
  


You peek from the threshold of Tobirama’s study. Your husband of almost three years is hard at work as always, with his jutsu inventing or just general Konoha policy work. You observe him for a moment, and you can’t help cracking a smile at the way his eyebrows knit together the deeper his concentration gets. His lips press together in a tight line, but you sense no bad tension from him. Right now, he is currently reading one of his notes–probably from one of his current experiments–and then transcribing it on another blank paper. 

“Is there something I can help you with?” Tobirama finally asks and he puts down his pen. 

You walk into his study and towards him. You gingerly take his face with both of your hands, and you study him. Your thumbs come up to caress his cheeks and then, you plant a soft kiss on his forehead. 

“You look tired,” you comment. “You should get some sleep.” 

“I need to finish this,” Tobirama replies, but whatever focus he has woven before you came, it is now gone and replaced by the tender attentiveness he offers to only you. 

“Is it urgent?” You murmur. You bring a hand to his forehead and brush his hair up to reveal his pale forehead. “Can I help?” You kiss his forehead again, and then his lips. 

  
  


A smile flits through Tobirama’s face but it is gone before you can even process it. 

  
  


“It _is_ urgent, but it requires about nine months of waiting,” Tobirama replies, and he places his hands on your waist. It seems like he is willing to be more affectionate these days. “Go rest.” 

  
  


You roll your eyes. “I have been resting a lot these days, Lord Nidaime. Why do you keep making me rest, hm? I’ve had ample rest time.” 

Tobirama looks down at your stomach, and then at you. He does not speak, and he squeezes one side of your waist reassuringly. His face softens as an affirmation takes place on his face. 

  
  


“Do you know why?” Tobirama murmurs. 

“No,” you start. “I thought you were just being your neurotypical, paranoid self.” 

Tobirama sighs. “How are your meals? Do you find them agreeable? Do you tire easily?”

You stare at Tobirama as if he had grown another head, but you know that if you do not answer, he will keep pressing you. “My meals are fine, and agreeable. I find it impossible to get tired these days since you keep micromanaging my sleep.” 

  
  


Your answers bring relief to Tobirama and you stare at him, confused. “Is there something that I should know?” 

Tobirama takes both of your hands, and holds onto them tightly. “It feels strange that I am the one breaking the news of your pregnancy for you.” 

  
  


Your mouth drops in shock, and the two of you stare at each other, one in disbelief, and the other smug. 

“H-How?!” You stammer. 

“I sensed a disturbance in your chakra, and...I realized that it has the same signature as mine. Yours flare stronger than usual, too.” 

“Since when?” 

“I confirmed it just now. Besides, it was just a theory.” 

“Dammit, Tobirama,” you reply, more out of habit, but you are not exasperated with him. 

  
  


Tobirama presses a kiss into your palms, and then your wrists. Warmth travels through your chest, and when you find your husband’s eyes, it is easily perceptible that he shares the same feelings as you. 

“Now, go rest,” Tobirama orders, but the softness in his voice is so palpable, you are reeling from it. 

You roll your eyes, and start to exit the study. You hear the shuffling of papers behind you, and you feel relief in your heart that he is not pushing himself as much.

Tobirama suddenly calls your name and you turn to him, expectant. 

You watch as he takes a few seconds to steel himself. He is looking down at his hands, which are slightly trembling and he starts to pick at the corner of papers he stacked himself.

“Thank you, for making me a father,” Tobirama finally looks at you, and his voice is unexpectedly soft. The usual hardness in his tone is gone, replaced by this man, that is all soft tight-lipped smiles towards you. He is without the cold exterior that you experience from time to time. 

This is Senju Tobirama, the man that you have always seen in him. Here in front of you, he is not the Nidaime Hokage, not the fastest shinobi in this generation, not the hailed politician nor his brother’s keeper. 

He is just your husband right, here. Now. 

  
  


“I know I impose on you a lot, but I also hope that you can depend on me some more. I am _your_ husband,” Tobirama quietly says, his eyes set towards the ground. “I cannot promise that I will be a good father, but I must try. My own child cannot experience the cruelty I grew up with.”

“I know you will,” you tell him, and you give him a grin. “I know that you will protect them and fight for them, and that is what a good father does.” 

Tobirama meets your gaze, and he nods. “Go. I will meet you in the bedroom in a moment.” 

  
  


You smile, and you almost break out into a run, but Tobirama quickly reprimands you. 

“Walk, do not run,” you hear him say from his study. 

  
  


You walk, but you hurry towards the inner garden where you hid the pot of wheat and barley seeds. You pull it out from its hiding place, and you stare at it, joy bubbling deep inside your chest. 

Tears prickle your eyes, and you blink them away. 

The wheat has begun to grow, and you let out a breath that you have been holding. 

You are with a child, and the realization makes you want to jump from excitement. You laugh to yourself, and decide to tell Tobirama your findings later, when the pregnancy is well on its way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah kinda held off at the smut bc y'all i be getting distracted ahah
> 
> i will correct typos later...i typed most of this on my phone so forgive meeee
> 
> thanks for reading !!! kudos and comments are much appreciated and anticipated xdddd


	6. Now

Tobirama massages the bridge of his nose as the words on the paper in front of him starts to blur into incoherent sentences. Tremors plague his hands too often now, and his chest often feels tight. He knows these are signs that he is very fatigued and that he lacks sleep–these days, he has simply stopped sleeping altogether. The energy that he rides on is the hope that he can finish his secret disquisition, so that finally he can rest. He just needs to do this one last thing. 

The events of the year had spurred him on to throw himself on his _Edo Tensei_. He feels that this is the only way he can cope and handle his troubles in the near future. Especially if his theory about his brother is true: that he is dying everyday he lives.

He is almost never wrong. 

He needs a backup plan. A safeguard, among his other collections of safeguards. Someone like him can never have too many. 

And he believes that the answers lie in his creation. 

  
  


Tobirama sighs and he presses his palms into his eyes. Maybe he really needs sleep. 

The office doors open after a knock, and he looks up to find his brother. He cannot help but notice that Hashirama’s hair is silky and that his face is smooth, free of the blemishes of a wrinkle. There are no spots on his skin, and in fact, his skin seems to glow with youth. 

  
  


“Elder brother,” Tobirama greets him, with utmost respect. 

Hashirama’s face softens towards him. The glaze in his eyes from the other night is gone. He looks more alert. “You called for me?” 

  
  


Tobirama tries to hide the way his hands seem to shake and fishes for the papers that he wants his brother to see. He takes his time, in the guise of searching for it, even though he is organized enough to know where each document is. 

“I…” Tobirama begins, taking his time to form his words. “First, I have told you that this is not a good idea. Despite my best efforts to persuade you, I know you are also quite stubborn. So here. The approval to begin the construction of your precious statues. It commences next month.” 

  
  


Hashirama’s eyes widened in surprise. “Brother, I don’t know what to say.”

Tobirama rolls his eyes, but much to his chagrin, he gives his last sibling a genuine smile. “Don’t flatter yourself. My wife put me up to this.” 

Hashirama laughs, and Tobirama is glad that it sounds carefree. His eyes form into beautiful crescents, and Tobirama softens. There is his cheerful brother. 

  
  


“Give my thanks to her,” Hashirama says. “She is the best of us.” 

Tobirama nods, and he clutches his hands under the desk. He will always agree to that, because as compared to him, her flaws pale in comparison. 

  
  


Hashirama pauses before turning towards the door. “And come visit your eldest nephew and his wife soon. We have heard that they will have a girl in about a month.” Hashirama chuckles giddily. “I will be a grandfather!” 

  
  


Tobirama stops breathing, but thankfully, Hashirama has left before he can break down any further. 

He closes his eyes, and suddenly, he is taken back to a more peaceful morning, as he prepares to travel to Kumogakure. That day will never be erased from his mind, not when he could have connected the pieces that were falling into place that almost cost her life. If he wasn’t so busy, if he just prioritized her a little bit more and only trusted himself to look after her, then maybe he could have been there on time. As the Hokage, it is his job to keep the village safe, but what kind of husband does that make him? When, once again, he has chosen the village over her.

  
  


Tobirama remembers her giddy smile, and the warm sensation spreading across his chest as she whispers to him a secret. 

“ _I think it’s a girl_ ,” _she says, unable to control the wide grin spreading across her lips._

  
  


Tobirama feels his heart break further. He hates to see his wife reduced to tears, because those are few and far in between. She is strong, and has always known a clear line between right and wrong. Now, it is almost like she is becoming like him. 

He was very relieved to hear that she could not ever go through with killing Kimiko, but if he wasn’t there to stop her on time, who knows what could have happened. 

  
  


Tobirama does not cry, but if he is going to, this will be the moment he will choose to weep. 

He feels as if there is nothing he can do, and there is no tangible way to come through on one end in one piece. The gods may just be out there to spite him. 

Everything is falling apart. He can build kingdoms and construct beautiful castles. He can take dreams and make them into a reality, but they all mean nothing if the people that he centered his life around cannot be with him. 

  
  


Being alone has never been a worry for him. Solitude has been his preference for a while now, but being truly alone, and losing those he gave his all for, he would rather lose a limb than bear that kind of loneliness. After all he is human, and not a god. As much as he plays that part. 

  
  


//

  
  


He finally goes home, having lost his time once again over his endeavours. He trudges up the stairs quietly, and into the bathroom to try and wash up. He feels dirty. There is dried blood caked under his short nails, and he smells like chemicals, ink and death. He carefully peels his shirt over his head, and he stares at his reflection for a moment. 

He is beginning to resemble the corpses that he hangs out with. 

He leans over the sink and runs the water. He opts for using the faucet instead of the bathtub, afraid to make loud noises that will wake you. 

  
  


“Tobirama?” 

  
  


Your husband whirls around, and you give him a once-over. He is trembling a little. You note how messy his hair is–messier than normal–and how his eyes are stark bright like fresh blood, and how his face is becoming knife-like from the days he spends forgoing proper nutrition. Your eyes go to his cheek, where there is a smudge of dirt on it. It almost looks like dried blood, and it makes you swallow your words. 

You are unsure what to say next, because you have a gut feeling that you should not get closer to Tobirama. He is different from the man you last saw this morning, who was calm and collected. The man before you looks like a stray animal ready to bite the hand that tries to pet them. 

  
  


Tobirama tries to get a hold of himself, but his mind and his senses betray him. He feels overwhelmed. 

"You should be asleep," he mumbles under his breath. 

"I have been sleeping all day," you reply softly, not wanting to alarm him any further. 

"Please," Tobirama says. He does not want you to see him like this. You make him feel weak. "Go to bed." 

  
  


You ignore the slight hurt that you feel from being dismissed, but this is Tobirama. You have learned how to look beyond what he is saying outrightly. You can sense how freaked out he is. 

"What happened?" You ask in a low, urgent tone. 

  
  


Tobirama turns away and he takes a few deep breaths. He feels like he is about to retch. "Nothing."

He hears you step closer cautiously, and Tobirama tenses. If you touch him, he will melt and he will let go of any inhibitions he has left. If you touch him, he will want more. If you do, he may also react in a way that may hurt you as he could not bare any human contact on his skin at the moment. Just the thought of it makes his stomach curl. 

  
  


"Go to bed," Tobirama repeats and he fills his cupped hands with water. He slaps the water onto his face, but when he opens his eyes, he finds that you are still there. 

"Tobi," you whisper. 

  
  


Water drips from his face and he turns off the faucet. He is not sure what to do next. The two of you have your own brands of stubbornness. 

The sound of your voice saying his name seems to ground him, and this prompts you to get closer. 

Tobirama takes the nearest towel to dab his face dry, and when he finishes, you take the towel from him and put it on the pile of used towels. 

  
  


"My love," you murmur softly. "Let’s get you dressed for bed." 

  
  


Tobirama takes a deep breath, and he turns to you. You wait for him to come to you instead of taking his hand to pull him forward, and from there, you follow him back into your room. Tobirama dresses in silence, and you stand there, your hands opening and closing, trying to figure out what to do next. 

You are not a stranger to his changing moods, but sometimes they come unexpectedly, and they are not always the same. You know that he has stopped sleeping, and opts to skip meals to attend to whatever it is he’s busying himself with. His silhouette in the darkness is noticeably thinner, and while you are waiting for him to make you understand what he is doing or to let you know what else is bothering him, you are becoming more concerned. 

You hate to see him like this. 

  
  


“Tobirama,” you utter his name, and slowly, you step closer into his space. You see how tense he is, so you make your movements slow and non-urgent. “It’s okay.” 

You watch him run his fingers through his hair and let out a shaky breath. 

  
  


“It’s okay,” you repeat. You try to control the tears that are coming. 

The shadows of the dark room seem to engulf him, but you will never abandon him and leave him to fend for himself. 

  
  


"I'm coming closer," you tell him, and slowly, you slide your arms around his waist from behind.

You can feel him stiffen, but it does not discourage you. You press your chest on his back and you rest your head in between his shoulder blades, and you hold him. It takes a long time, but finally, his body melts into yours and he gives into your warmth.

Tobirama lets himself rest in your embrace, and he reminds himself that you are alive, that you are breathing, and your skin has color, not like the ashen gray that dead bodies have. You are warm and supple, not cold and monumental. 

He is so tired, but there is no such thing as rest for people like him. People like him rest in the battlefield, and it is both their bed and their grave. 

  
  


Tobirama rests his arms on yours and he holds your arms. For a moment, you make him still. For a moment, the world falls away, and the races in his mind make its pause. He is not one to ask for much, let alone look for comfort, but for now, he lets himself be held. 

  
  


//

  
  


After ushering him to bed, Tobirama is silent. 

You sense that whatever thoughts that are swirling in his mind have settled like dust. He is not trembling anymore, and the natural paleness of his skin has returned, not like the pale green hue that he seems to embody earlier. The two of you face each other, hands entwined on your pillows. Sleep is a faraway thought, but you are glad to have him like this. 

Tobirama watches you intently as you press a kiss on his knuckles, and then rest his hand under your cheek. 

  
  


“I love you,” Tobirama murmurs. He rarely says this, but it always rings true. He feels ashamed for saying this to you after hiding so many secrets, but he never lies about what he feels towards you. Those three words taste gritty on his tongue, but he thinks you must know. Just in case your perception of him changes.

He doesn't deserve you, and inside, his heart clashes on trying to be worthy of your love and trying to be the leader this village needs. He is always sure of his ways, but when he sees you teetering between black and white, he questions his path because he sees a part of himself in you. 

Perhaps, you do the same. 

  
  


“You have to rest,” you tell him. “Send a shadow clone. Or give yourself a full day-off. For your sake.” 

“I don’t know how to stop,” he tells you bluntly. “I must remain steadfast.” 

“Can you really do this for long?” 

  
  


“I have to,” Tobirama says. “There is no other way.” 

Your eyes swim, and the pace of your heart starts to pick up. Those words scare you. 

_Your Senju husband will fail_ , Madara once said in your dreams. _He will do everything right and what he is supposed to do, but in the grand scheme of things, he is_ nothing. 

  
  


You close your eyes, feeling dread creep under your skin. 

  
  


“You know I am right,” Tobirama continues. 

“No.” You bite your lip. “Sometimes _your_ right does not mean it _is_ right.” 

“I know,” Tobirama says and his eyes refuse to meet yours. 

  
  


A tear escapes your eye, but Tobirama is quick to wipe it away with his free hand. 

“Do not cry for me,” Tobirama says. 

“How can you say that?” You say with disbelief. “I have the right to cry for you.” 

  
  


Tobirama sighs, and rests his palm on your cheek. The two of you begin a staring contest, but you win when Tobirama finally looks away. 

  
  


“We’re becoming ridiculous, aren’t we?” 

“Quite,” Tobirama yawns. 

“You still have me.” You lean towards him. 

  
  


Tobirama pulls you closer, and he holds you to his chest. You close your eyes as you feel his heart underneath your ear. He still holds you as strongly and certainly. 

  
  


“I will take your suggestion tomorrow,” Tobirama finally says. “One thing at a time, right?” 

“Good enough for me,” you murmur into his chest and you press a kiss on it. 

  
  


“All right,” Tobirama mutters, and his arms tighten around you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last "now" chapter for now...because we gotta dive into the events of the "then"
> 
> buckle up, you are in for a rideeeee
> 
> thank you for reading !!!


	7. Then

Tobirama sighs, as he is very displeased at the news that the Hyuuga and Uchiha clans are becoming more and more exclusive. It is always the clans that have pride in their power that want more and only seek to better their own. That is always a threat to the village, and Tobirama cannot let this grow and take root. 

He reviews the complaints of the two clans in his home office, becoming very disturbed that there are possible dissenters inside the village. This is a fragile time, especially with the coming peace ceremony later in the year. 

He supposes that this is the result of Madara’s defection. He knows that there are some power grabs inside the Uchiha clan, even if they have chosen to stay in the village. They have been without a clan leader for a while, and tensions of picking the candidates are making the rest of the village uneasy. Meanwhile, the Hyuuga clan are becoming notorious for their branding of their own members if they are not part of the main family. While Tobirama thinks that he ought to leave them to their own business, this cannot be a reason why the Hyuuga cannot participate within Konoha. Prides must be set aside in order for this place to thrive. 

  
  


And this place must be made safer, especially when he has a child on the way. Especially when he and his wife are planning to bring more children into this world. 

  
  


The acceptance of this shakes him to the very core, and he is scrambling to prepare everything before they are even a thought in their minds. He cannot just have _quiet_ , he wants _peace_. 

Does he not, especially his elder brother and the rest of their family, deserve peace? 

  
  


It feels like he has been fighting forever. 

  
  


//

  
  


“Are you certain you want to accompany me today?” Tobirama crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows in that haughty way he does when he is confident he knows better. 

You make a face at him as you try on the next dress in your closet, as nothing seems to fit you today. You note the changes your body is going through, and some of it, are not fun. Especially when you feel all bloated and soft in places you used to be toned in. Your lower belly is beginning to feel firm, and you notice that walking up the stairs leaves you a little winded. 

  
  


“Yes, husband, I am certain,” you say as you struggle to tie your clothing close. “I have been cooped up in this fortress we call home.”

Tobirama sighs and he comes closer to help you. “I don’t think it’s wise.”

“Tobirama, you’re going to be with me all the time,” you reply and you turn to him so that he can tie your dress in front. “Besides, Kimiko says exercise is good for me and the baby.” 

  
  


Tobirama’s eyes narrow, seemingly sold on the argument of what is good for you and his child so he does not say anything else to further his statement. 

  
  


You peek at yourself in the mirror. “I don’t think this is what I should wear.”

Tobirama stares at you incredulously. “This is the fifth time you have changed clothes. We have no time for this.” 

“But it’s tight!” You whine as you grab another robe from the closet. 

“Every clothing you try on is tight!”

“Are you saying I’m fat?” You turn to him fiercely, and you put a hand on your hip. 

  
  


Tobirama seems to groan internally. “Do you want me to insinuate that you are?” 

You wag your finger at him to warn him. “Try again.” 

Tobirama crosses his arm, unimpressed. “I will ask someone to replace your clothes. It will be done before we even come back home.” 

You sigh, a little annoyed, but for now, his answer calms you. “Fine. Let’s go.” 

  
  


Tobirama puts a hand behind your back as he walks beside you. “You are becoming more impossible to reason with, day by day.”

“I am just trying to act like you,” you tell him, trying to joke, but your annoyance is also building up minute by minute. 

“Do better,” Tobirama eggs on. 

“You are not helping,” you snap and you give him a glare. 

  
  


Tobirama raises an eyebrow, preemptively amused. “Is this the kind of attitude you intend to bring in our meeting with the clan leader of Hyuuga and his wife?” 

“I am _very_ amicable,” you huff.

“Yes, your amicable state will certainly help foster a good conversation with them.” 

  
  


You roll your eyes, and at this point, you’re surprised your eyes have not permanently stayed rolled back. 

“You roll your eyes, but you know that I am right.” 

“Shut the hell up,” you mutter. 

  
  


Tobirama looks like he is about to laugh. “Is that how you talk to the Hokage?” 

“I can talk to the _Hokage_ any way I want,” you bite back. 

  
  


“See, I think you really do have authority problems,” Tobirama says dryly.

As the two of you take to the streets, you walk together in silence, observing and greeting the people you pass by. Being outside finally settles your annoyance, and you feel proud of your husband for having a huge hand in creating the environment around you. There are people, children and women, smiling. They have homes, and they can go about their business without worrying too much about the outside dangers. They do not have to raise their children in a war zone. 

You spot a few shops that sell clothing for babies and your heart softens. Soon, you will be buying those for your child. You also spot a furniture store that has several wooden cribs, and your gaze linger on each one. 

  
  


Then, the two of you pass by some restaurants, and the smell that wafts through the air, while usually appealing, makes you nauseous. You hurry your steps so that you can avoid breathing in these scents, but that is your mistake, as you tend to have a faster rate of breathing these days. 

You pause, as your head suddenly becomes light and the feeling on your hands and feet becomes lost. 

“Oh,” you close your eyes and shudder, and immediately, Tobirama is right beside you to steady you. 

  
  


Tobirama’s hand is tight around your arm, and you lean on him for support. 

  
  


“We are going back home.” Tobirama begins to lean down to take your legs so that he can carry you. 

“I am fine,” you stop him. “Kimiko says that getting light-headed is normal.” 

“Do not depend on her too much.” 

  
  


You roll your eyes. “Her family is well-versed with these things.” 

“You are naive sometimes.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” You frown at him. 

“I am just giving you advice. Just because these servants work for us, does not mean we should trust them completely.” Tobirama straightens up and runs a hand through his hair. “Besides, she is too close to us, in a way that you were her child’s sensei and I am still the Hokage responsible for _everyone_.” 

  
  


Your Senju husband is right. How it irks you, but you know that he is. 

  
  


“Yes, fine. I know,” you say, and Tobirama seems satisfied with your answer. 

“Stick close,” Tobirama murmurs, and he pulls you closer to him. You sense that he is more wary than before, but you take comfort that he will not let anything happen to you. 

  
  


//

  
  


The whole ordeal with the Hyuuga takes the whole afternoon, but you make yourself by gossiping with the clan leader’s wife and finding out information from her by interjecting your conversations with vague questions after establishing some rapport. You also eat all the snacks that were served, mostly the sweeter rice cakes as you cannot get enough of them. 

You find out that the next heir of the clan is chosen and that she is making the arrangements to choose who they will be wedded to when they turn of age. 

  
  


Learning about the clans makes you open your mind a little bit more. The Senju run things differently, since they allow marriage with those who are not part of the clan or whoever they choose to marry. You would think that they are strict about this, but because they are also the village in a way, they must allow other allowances. This makes the whole village their family now. 

  
  


The sliding doors of the room you are in open, and a maid on her knees bows. 

“My lady, Lord Nidaime is waiting for you,” she says. 

  
  


“I will be there, thank you,” you tell her. 

  
  


You say your goodbyes and well-wishes to the clan leader’s wife, and then, you follow the maid to the gates, where your husband is standing with a hand behind his back. He looks rather inquisitive, but his eyes snap in attention when his gaze lands on you. 

  
  


You follow him out, and when you are a little far from the Hyuuga compound, you match your steps with your husband.   
  


“So?” You inquire. 

Tobirama shrugs. “I just wanted to make sure that they will abide by the village’s laws. They can have their clan practices, but the duty to the village is absolute.”

“Tobirama, their clan’s practice is not exactly–”

“I know,” Tobirama says. “But as long as it does not interfere with the running of the village, and they do not cause any more divides, I cannot really interfere.” 

  
  


You frown, but you know that this is the way things are. “What are you going to do about the Uchiha clan?” 

You can see the gears turning in Tobirama’s head. “Nothing solid, yet.” 

“But you do have a plan.” 

“Something like that.” 

  
  


You reach for his elbow. “Tobirama.” 

Your husband turns to you and he sighs. “I do not intend to put them in the back burner, if that is what you are thinking. They are part of the village, and therefore, they are important people. You know that I am fair, and that I only serve to make sure Konoha prospers."

  
  


The two of you pause, and a soft breeze caresses the strands of your hair back. 

“They must champion the village. That is all I ask. These clans in this village, they have their pride and individuality. We cannot be Konohagakure if we are already divided within. I am not a fool to not realize that we always have differences." 

  
  


Tobirama places his hands on your arms, and he meets your eyes. “But we all have to live in harmony if we are to model peace. We are an example to the people outside of this country and the reason why I make allies with other villages. If they see how we work, maybe they will follow in our lead.” 

  
  


You hear the trees rustle their leaves, and the birds chirping nearby. Somewhere near, a river runs peacefully, rushing and following their current. The sun feels cooler on your back, as compared to earlier.

  
  


“You do too much, Lord Nidaime,” you cannot help a wry smile from coming out. “You dream of world peace?”

Tobirama shakes his head. “Not dreams. Dreams are futile and without basis. This is a _plan_ for the long-term.” 

“People are different, you know, not everyone will fall in line,” you say. 

“I know,” Tobirama says. “But I am counting on their dreams of a better place to make my plans happen.” 

“You have too many plans, my love.”

  
  


The term of endearment colors Tobirama’s ears. “Yes, but they do work amazingly.”

You chuckle. “Now, that is your ego talking. I should insult you some more to put you in your place.”

  
  


Tobirama softens, and he tugs you along so that the two of you are walking again. “I think you have done enough insulting me for a lifetime.”

“Ah, but that is what you signed up for, Lord Nidaime.” You bump your shoulder on his arm. “‘Til death do us part, remember?” 

“Yes, yes, I remember, unfortunately,” Tobirama dryly says. “Though I have a feeling you will still be as biting in our afterlife.” 

“True, enough.” You giggle and you slip your arm into his. 

  
  


Tobirama does not pull away, and it makes you grin secretly. 

  
  
  


//

  
  


The morning sickness comes, and maybe, you think that morning sickness is an understatement. It is more like, an all-day sickness. An all-day sickness that does not abate no matter how much vomiting you do. 

You have made a friend with your toilet, and you are awfully running on empty. Tears and sweat run down your skin, and your throat burns. 

  
  


You try not to ask too much from your husband or Kimiko, so you try to force yourself to stop being sick. You press your forehead on the floor to cool yourself, and when you come to, you find your husband placing a cup of ginger tea in your line of sight. 

“Shadow clone?” You ask him. 

Tobirama smiles amusedly. “This is why I never do this. I know you prefer him and his full attention.” 

  
  


You roll your eyes. “Sometimes shadow clones are better.” 

“I am insulted.”

“Why? I just said I prefer you at times.” 

“On behalf of my original, I am insulted. Apart from him, I am rather flattered.”

  
  


“You are also quite the talker. Do shadow clones adapt their own personalities when they are far from their original?” 

Tobirama inches the cup forward so that you are prompted to pick it up. “That is an interesting hypothesis. One that we will put to test later.” 

You take a sip from the tea. “Tell me more, my shadow clone of a husband.” 

  
  


“Or maybe we take slivers of his personality and become heightened.” 

“Hm,” you say. You narrow your eyes at him. “How come you never use shadow clones in the bedroom? We could surely use another one of you.” 

The Tobirama in front of you becomes red in the neck. You see his jaw tense. 

  
  


“What?” You prompt. 

“This is a conversation between you and _him_.” Tobirama’s shadow clone disperses itself and you laugh to yourself, knowing that this conversation will become part of Tobirama’s memory. 

  
  


The ginger tea helps relieve your sickness, and after finishing it, you finally make it out of your bathroom, as you are starving, and you know you need some sustenance, no matter how much you may dislike the foods presented for you. 

  
  


You decrease your interactions with Kimiko, but you express your gratitude towards her whenever she is there to assist you. When you are not keen to eat the foods that are cooked, she is the one planning and preparing the meal, filled with the nutrition that you need to keep a healthy body. You do not want to seem like you are high up in your horse, so you always make it a point to thank her. 

You do keep in mind what your husband has told you, and because this is your first child, you want to be extra careful because you are new to this. You do not really know what to expect. 

  
  


//

  
  


Your husband is as usual, busy with work, as the time for the peace ceremony closes. You can tell that he is a little frantic, but he is good at compartmentalizing and it comes out in his organized chaotic ways. You try to help him out when he is at home, but you tire very easily now, and you spend most of your days sleeping. 

From time to time, Tobirama puts a hand on your growing womb, probably checking you and the child you are carrying. You find it sweet, and you know without a doubt that he will do his best as a father. Besides, Tobirama always gives his all. You wish to know about what is running in his mind, but he has a tendency to ruminate within. 

  
  


In one of your better days, where you are not throwing up or being moody for no reason, you pry a few words from your husband. The two of you are lying on your bed, where most of your important conversations happen. Beside you, he is relaxed, and the tension on his shoulders and his forehead are relieved at the moment. 

  
  


“Are you alright?” You ask him. 

Tobirama watches your face, his eyes flitting to your forehead, your nose, your lips. “Why do you ask?” 

“I can tell that there is a lot on your mind.” 

“As always, right?” Tobirama says in a lighter tone. 

“But I can tell that it’s not just about your peace negotiations and your other political ambitions.”

  
  


Tobirama blinks, probably surprised that you are watching him too closely. He is not used to that. No one really tries to make sure that he is okay, except for you, because it is expected that he has got it all together. 

He does not. 

  
  


“You are right,” Tobirama finally replies after a long minute. “I fret about being a father.” 

“Why?” 

“Children are fragile things,” Tobirama begins. “Of course, I have many experiences with them, as I did have a role in raising my nephews and my students, but they are not my own. I am afraid that I will be like my father, that one day, I will realize and understand his point of view. That what he did will be justified and therefore, I have to resort to his ways.” 

  
  


You bring a hand to his face. “Tobirama, _you_ are not your father. You have made your own way thus far, you do not need to follow his suit. You told me that he never hesitated to raise a hand to his children, and while I know that you are strict, you have reasons and your own logic that never fails you. I know that you will never hurt your own children, and that whatever decision you do will be to ensure their safety.” 

Tobirama falls silent and his eyes focus on you. 

  
  


“Besides, I will be the one you will have to contend with if you do go too far,” you smile, and caress his cheek with your thumb. “Oh, my love. The fact that you worry about what you might do shows that you have given much thought and reflection on being a father.” 

“What if I cannot be there to support them in a way that they need? You know how we are. They may hate me.” 

“Well, maybe when they’re teenagers, they will hate you, but that is normal, on the grand scale of things.” 

  
  


Tobirama’s forehead crinkles. 

  
  


“You know, I am also scared about being a mother,” you confess to him so that you can alleviate his feelings. 

Tobirama’s eyes widened for a fraction. “You? Someone as fearless and bold as you is afraid?”

“Very funny, Lord Nidaime,” you comment sarcastically. “Well for one, I will be the one to push out this child.” 

Tobirama raises an eyebrow. 

“And,” you continue. “Most problems that daughters have are with their mother.”

  
  


You pause, and you look at his expression and you let out a sigh. “You know, my parents never told me that they loved me. Never let me know in any way. For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. They never let me know they cared, and I felt like I was only born to be expendable.” 

Tobirama takes your hand from his face and kisses your knuckles. Of course, he would know how that felt like.

  
  


“I could never do that to my own child,” you tell him. “If I have to, I will let them know that I love them every day. I will never make them feel like they have been abandoned.” 

Tobirama blinks, and a soft expression spreads across his face. “I have no doubt that our children will be okay under your care.” 

You narrow your eyes at him. “You better pick up some slack on fathering.” 

“Of course,” Tobirama murmurs and he seems taken aback that you even think to say this. “I promise to you that they will be safe, and that they will know the tender side of childhood. They will be happy.” 

  
  


“That’s a big promise, Lord Nidaime,” you lean towards him. “You know well the dangers of big promises.” 

“ _I know_ ,” Tobirama whispers. “But I must try.” 

  
  


Tobirama offers his arm, and you come to him and press your body against his. Your head rests between his neck and shoulder, and his arms come around your head and waist. You feel sleep coming on to you like a heavy blanket, and as you give in, you hear him say those three words that you have always waited and yearned to hear. 

  
  



	8. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// poisoning, drowning, attempted murders

Silence is a powerful implication. It may mean the quiet of loneliness, or the lack of chatter in the background and the absence of any sound. Silence is absolute, and there is a helplessness that comes with it. It is the music that plays when there is nothing else to be done, that even no matter how much you scream, there is no one there to hear. 

That is silence. 

It is to be feared, as no such ignoble acts take place with as much of a cry. 

Silence is the home for secrets and plans, and it haunts and it pervades every space it can occupy. It is not peace, as peace is warmth and golden in color. Silence is blue, cold, and piercing. 

  
  


And it will always be there, waiting for its moment to take over. 

  
  


//

  
  


Your womb is now a little bigger and more pronounced as you near the fifth month of your pregnancy. You and Tobirama can no longer keep this from the rest of the Senju, and while you celebrate with them and share their excitement as Hashirama’s sons will finally have their first cousin, you are growing more tired and withdrawn. 

Tobirama notices this and limits his family’s visits in your house, and insists that you rest all the time. Your complexion is not any better, and sometimes, your blood feels sluggish or too hot, as if you are burning from the inside. Your body also feels heavier, and you often feel like your lungs are too small to take in air. However, this is alleviated when Tobirama puts a hand on your forehead and lets his chakra trickle all over you. 

  
  


Concern is always written on his face as he checks on you, but he does not divulge too much to keep you from stressing. 

  
  


Mito comes by sometimes to keep an eye on you, since Tobirama is still busy with the peaceful negotiations leading up to the ceremony with Kumogakure, but most of the time, you are alone. When you are awake, you are busying yourself with arranging your child’s room, or you are studying and reading books. You have also made it a habit to rest your hand on your womb. Sometimes, you sing to your child or talk to them about Tobirama, or read them the stories from the books you read. 

Mito says that your child will be kicking, any time now. 

You can hardly wait for it. 

  
  
  


//

  
  
  


Your condition finally becomes better, and finally, you are able to walk around the house with ease. Today, Tobirama is working from home, and you leave him be since you can see that he is hard at work. You stand around the engawa, letting the cool morning relax you when you find Hashirama and two of his sons hauling a crib over the gate of your house. 

Hashirama greets you cheerfully, and you walk towards them with the same sentiment. 

  
  


“Lord Hashirama,” you greet and then you look at the load that they brought in. “What is all of this?” 

Hashirama’s eyes are practically lit with excitement. “Well, it is my present to you and my brother. This is a crib for your child. I made it!” 

  
  


Your hand goes to your mouth and your eyes become teary. 

“Oh my! Are you alright? Is it terrible?” Hashirama asks in concern, his face falling in disappointment. 

“Dad,” one of his sons tries to calm him down. The other sighs in exasperation.

“No, no,” you reassure him. “I...this is so touching. Thank you, Lord Hashirama.” 

  
  


Hashirama sighs in relief. “How is he?” 

You shrug and smile at his sons. “Busy, as usual.” 

Hashirama rolls his eyes. “He needs to cut himself some slack.”

“That is what I tell him. He refuses. I think he likes to be stressed.” 

  
  


“He is listening right here,” Tobirama interrupts with his usual rough voice. 

  
  


His nephews light up in excitement and they go to him to give him a hug. They receive awkward pats on the head after, and he walks up to his elder brother. 

These days, their relationship has improved, and you can feel it in the air because it does not feel stormy and thick with power. 

  
  


Your eyes go to the crib, and you note the Senju crest on its board. It has a rocker beneath, a tool to console your child or to lull them to sleep. You put your hand on it, and you smile as it rocks slightly. It is made from white oak, with streaks the color of ash and they follow the pattern of tree rings. It is beautiful. 

  
  


“Come on, I will show you where to place the crib,” Tobirama says, and his brother and his nephews follow him. 

  
  


You follow right behind them, taking your time in case you trip or suddenly get dizzy, as is the case at times. You do not want to worry your husband any further. 

  
  


You finally arrive in the room, and you lean against the wall for support and to catch your breath. Since Tobirama is the most particular, down to designs, he is the one guiding his brother and nephews on which spot to put it. 

The room is almost complete: there are stuffed toys lined on top of a long drawer, where baby blankets and clothes are stored. There is a nice carpet in the middle of the room, and there is a chair to rest on, and a small bookshelf. Most of this was already taken care of by your husband, as he has more direction and practical home decorating tendencies than you, but you are the one who picked the colors of the blankets and clothes, because you know something that he does not. However, most of them are neutral colors and in neutral designs so that you do not give yourself away immediately. 

Which reminds you, that you have to tell him soon. 

  
  


“Are you okay?” Hashirama asks, and that snaps you out of your reverie. 

Tobirama glances at you in full alert. 

  
  


Hashirama approaches you, and studies your face. “Do you want to sit down?” He guides you to the chair in the room, and gives you a warm smile. “The first is always hard. I have got to hand it to Mito, since it really took a toll on her when she was pregnant with our first son.” 

  
  


Hashirama then glances at his brother accusingly. “You better be treating her right.” 

Tobirama’s nephews laugh, and Tobirama glowers at his brother. 

  
  


“Of course,” Tobirama almost snaps. 

Hashirama takes your hands. “Your hands are cold,” he notes. “But sometimes that can happen, as circulation is relegated to focus on your child.” 

  
  


Then, Hashirama puts his fingers on the inside of your wrist, just below your thumb. 

  
  


“Your heart rate is normal, and your child’s is as well,” Hashirama tells you. “If you are light-headed, sometimes, pregnancy can cause anemia, so you should eat some more iron-rich foods, like liver. Or that your blood pressure is too high. Make sure to look for ringing ears and unbearable headaches if you suspect high blood pressure.” 

You nod, and you give your brother-in-law a grateful smile. “Thank you.” 

  
  


“Of course. I take it that Tobirama ensures that you are going to the hospital for your check-ups?” Hashirama glances at his brother again, as if Tobirama is being irresponsible. 

“Yes,” you let out a weak chuckle. “Sometimes I’d think he is the one who is pregnant here.”

Hashirama leans back, satisfied with your answer. “Good. Make sure to take your supplements. Your child will be kicking soon, I reckon.” 

“So I have heard.” 

  
  


Tobirama’s expression gets a little better, and he steps closer to you and puts a hand on your shoulder. 

  
  


“Well, I think I have overstayed my welcome here,” Hashirama laughs. “Come on boys, your mother will be looking for you soon.” 

“Goodbye uncle,” Hashirama’s sons say. “Goodbye auntie.” 

  
  


You wave at them, and when their steps have disappeared downstairs, Tobirama kneels in front of you. His hands rest on your knees, and for a while, the two of you do not say anything. 

“You will tell me, if you are not feeling well, right?” Tobirama finally asks. His voice is hushed and gushing with concern. 

“Yes, of course,” you reply. 

Tobirama stares at you, and then at your womb. “I promise that the moment the ceremony ends, I will head straight home. Do not worry about me, all right? I will write to you every day.”

“Every day?” The corner of your lips perk up. 

“Everyday, without fail,” Tobirama states it as a promise. 

  
  


You take your hands and brush his wild, spiky hair out of his face. “Okay.” 

  
  


You hold his face, and you lean forward to plant a chaste kiss on his lips. 

  
  


“I know that I have not been available these past few months, but I will make it up to you,” Tobirama continues. 

“I know,” you tell him gently. “I know. It’s not your fault. You are the Hokage. No one is better suited on this job but you.” 

“I am glad that you think that, as I feel myself becoming more and more divided every day.” 

“I have faith in you.” 

  
  


Tobirama nods, and you kiss him again. 

“I will not keep you from your work,” you say and you give him one last kiss. 

  
  


Tobirama takes a deep breath and he stands himself up. He takes one long look at you, and then he leaves you alone in the room. You let the silence wash over you, and it makes you aware of the different sounds in your house. 

You hear your husband’s quiet footsteps down the hallway, the thuds of feet on the ground floor as servants rush about to keep the house clean and orderly. You hear the kitchen running, with stoves and pots being used to prepare the next meal. On the window of your future child’s room, you see the branches of a tree sway, indicating the wind passing by. 

You rest your hand on your womb, and caress it gently. 

“Come soon, love,” you tell your baby. 

  
  


//

  
  


As the peace ceremony with Kumogakure comes nearer, Tobirama opts to work from home most of the time to watch over his wife. It is inconvenient, but he wants to accompany her before he goes away to travel to Kumo. Besides, her health is not consistent these days, and the only way to help her at times is to let his chakra flow into her. He constantly checks up on her, and when she is around him, his eyes never stray too far from her. 

When she is on the bed, Tobirama stays in the room with her, occasionally looking up whenever she walks towards the bathroom, watching her steps closely and the way she stands. 

She often complains of being too hot, and at times that makes her restless. 

  
  


Tobirama tries his best to be there, but the village takes precedence in the most inconvenient ways. How sometimes he wishes that he does not have to choose. 

How he wishes that the choices are few and favorable, but the reality is, they are not. 

That is how things have been for him, for all of his life. 

  
  


//

  
  


When you wake up, it is still dark outside, but you know that it is morning as your husband is already up and about, rummaging and preparing to take a bath. 

Today is the day that he will start his travel to Kumo, and while the peace ceremony is a great thing, you can sense that Tobirama is no longer feeling up to the task of going away to be apart from you. He still does everything perfectly, but the worry between his forehead is not missed by you. 

For a moment, you wait in the silence, listening to his quiet footsteps and his movements–the faucet in the bathroom turning and the trickle of water coming down on the tub. You hear the water fill the tub, and Tobirama wading in and settling inside it. You smile to yourself that he makes the effort of trying not to wake up, when in truth, you wake the moment he does, and it is harder to fall asleep without him next to you. 

You have gotten used to his presence, and despite the warm silence that makes up your relationship when the two of you are not bickering, Tobirama offers a security that you cannot find anywhere else. With him, there is little to fear. 

  
  


He has his transgressions and his moments, but you know his heart, and where he stands even if they become unclear. 

  
  


You slowly get to your feet, and you put a hand on your womb as you make your way towards the bathroom. You stand by the doorway, staring at your husband visibly relaxing from the hot water of the tub. You smile at him gently when he turns his head to glance at you. You watch as his eyes soften and round at the corners of his usually harsh gaze, and then, he holds out a hand to prompt you to get closer. 

You walk towards him, and you take a sit by the ledge, just beside him and he takes your hand and rests it on his shoulder. You take a cloth with your free hand and you submerge it into the water. 

  
  


“You look chipper,” you comment as you gently dab at your husband’s face. 

“I have had better days,” Tobirama lets out a small, amused smirk. He willingly turns his face towards yours so that you are able to clean the rest of his face and neck. 

  
  


“Luckily for you, I help you a lot,” you chuckle, and you dip the cloth into the water again. You take a few drops of the body wash nearby, and you slather it into the cloth. 

“Lucky me,” Tobirama dryly says. 

  
  


“The house seems quiet,” you whisper as your hand trails down from his shoulders, his chest and now, his stomach. 

“I told everybody to take the rest of the week off,” Tobirama says. “I will be back by then.” 

  
  


You lower yourself to the ground, and you let go of the cloth and your hand trails down Tobirama’s torso sensually. You lean towards the side of his face, and you give his ear a lick, and then you start planting kisses on his jaw, and on his neck. Your hand in the water grasps at his cock and you tug at it, earning a pleased sound from your husband. 

Your arm winds around his shoulders and you hold him down by his chest. Tobirama turns his head to you and he gives you an open-mouthed kiss as you start to pump his cock in a consistent rhythm. His neck grows red and he becomes a little breathless, so you take this as a sign to build your speed, twisting at the head of his cock and down to the base. 

Tobirama comes with a groan, and he throws his head back and his chest heaves from the breaths he has to take in. 

  
  


“Better?” You mumble lowly into his ear. 

Tobirama’s glare is piercing. “Come here.” 

  
  


“Lord Nidaime,” you scoff at him playfully, but nevertheless, you follow his command. 

He assists you into the tub as you step into the hot water, and he guides you into his lap, making sure to do it slowly so that you do not slip. Finally seated on his lap with your legs framing his thighs, he pulls you towards him by the waist. 

You stop him by pressing your arms on his chest and you smile beguilingly. “Do you have the time for this?” 

Tobirama smirks. “I _am_ the fastest man alive right now. I think I can afford to waste time.” 

  
  


You gasp mockingly. “Such hubris, Lord Nidaime. It will be your downfall.”

“You know, I would like you to address me with more respect when you are calling me with my title, but I guess a man cannot ask for too much,” Tobirama sarcastically says. 

You laugh and you cannot help but lean forward to capture his lips. Tobirama kisses you deeply, and his hand rests on the back of your neck as he turns his head and licks the roof of your mouth and then your tongue, before sucking it on it and swirling his own against it. 

When he pulls away, Tobirama’s eyes are alive and you frame his face with your hands. 

“I know I am not allowed to say this since we have established that there will be no such thing as goodbyes,” you begin. “But I will miss you as you go on your merry way.”

Tobirama rolls his eyes and he runs his hands down your waist and settles on your hips. “There is no merry way, but I rather you send me away with no such sorry sentiments.” 

  
  


Tobirama meets your eyes. “Have me go with your love.” 

Your breath catches in your throat. You blink at his sincerity, and you struggle to recollect yourself for a moment. 

  
  


“You will go nowhere without it,” you finally say, your chest squeezing a little. It always makes you uneasy whenever he is away on a mission, but you just have to trust him to make his way back. 

Tobirama nods, and the two of you kiss again with passion so urgent, that it takes your breaths away. 

  
  


//

  
  


In the moment of silence your bond can only afford, you help your husband dress in his armor, even if he can do it by himself. Before, he does not let you touch a thing of his, now, you are even the one polishing and repairing it so that it does not have to occupy a lot of his time. You also help take care of his weapons, making sure that they are always sharp and ready to use. 

After getting his armor on his torso, you clasp his fur collar onto his shoulders, and then you start by tying his shoulder guards and his arm plates. You feel Tobirama’s eyes on you, seemingly yearning as you move around him, and making sure that his armor is tied in all the right places. When you finish, you let out a sigh and you hold his arm with both of your hands. 

Tobirama waits, his eyes still on you. 

Daylight begins to come up the horizon. 

  
  


You place his hand on your womb, and you cover it with both of your hands. 

  
  


“I think it’s a girl,” you whisper to him, but you are unable to contain the grin that is spreading from your lips and your whole face. 

You meet Tobirama’s eyes, and you see them widen, brimming with emotion that he often does not let out. His face falls open in wonder, and your heart begins to race. You hear his breath pick up, and you smile at him tearfully. 

Tobirama keeps staring at you, his mind racing, but to boil it down to one emotion: he is happy. An unfamiliar warmth spreads through his chest, one that scares him but he embraces willingly. So this is how it feels like to be an expecting parent.

_It’s a girl_ , Tobirama thinks. 

  
  


Tobirama lets out a shaky breath that is uncharacteristic of him, and he clears his throat. He straightens up and tries to compose himself into a more pristine state, but he is evidently broken open. 

“Right,” he manages to utter out. He is surprised that it does not come out as a croak. He takes back his hand, and he looks at your womb. 

You press your lips together, and you roll your eyes. “Go,” you tell him. “You have my blessing.” 

  
  


Tobirama nods again, and he takes off. 

  
  


//

  
  


Tobirama’s first letter arrives the next day, as he has promised to write everyday. You do not know how he will manage it, but Tobirama somehow always finds a way. You learn of the sights that he encounters, and the long and tiring travel. He describes Kumogakure, and its mountainous village and the high altitude that it sits on. He describes the culture and compares Konohagakure, taking pride that his village is a little bit more advanced. His descriptions of the weather are a bit choppy, but that is what you expect from Tobirama. 

At this, you roll your eyes. _This bastard_. 

  
  


So, you write back. 

  
  


_Lord Nidaime,_

_You and your pride. You must reel yourself in and defer a little bit. You are in a foreign land. Do not get in trouble, as your wife is not in a predicament to bail you out. You said so yourself, that I cannot take the turbulent trip to Kumogakure. I want you back, whole and with your limbs intact, and with your handsome face free of injury that may deform it. However, I do expect that you return in a rougher state, as you are closer to the sun and it is hot there._

_–Your lovely wife._

  
  


And the next day, comes his reply. 

  
  


_My wife, whose middle name spells vexating,_

_I only speak of the truth. I cannot take the heat, as you know that I do not tan, but I get sunburnt easily. My eyes are quite sensitive to the dry air up here, and so I opt to wear my hat all the time to protect myself. The heat becomes bearable as the wind is often blowing here._

_I hope that it is a comfort to you that I will return with all my limbs intact, but is that the only appendage you want from me that is intact? I reckon not._

– _Your exasperated husband._

  
  


You chuckle yourself, as you read his letter, and you find yourself growing giddy as you write your next letter. 

  
  


_My bastard of a husband,_

_Your words shock me, my lord. Konoha cannot be privy to your lewd words as they may get the shock of their lives._

_And before you ask, I am doing well and I am resting all the time. I go to your brother’s home for dinner as you have told me to do, as Mito and her cooks make the most delicious foods that I have ever tasted. Better than yours, I suppose, but you are my husband and if asked, I tell them that you cook the best._

_Before I end this letter, I must ask: does the Hokage have a special and speedy hawk for these fast deliveries? Or did you train your hawk to be well-versed in the Flying Raijin Jutsu? I am asking for science, and I will not put it past you to do such a thing. You are, in the most simplified words, an overachiever and a perfectionist, my love._

– _Your maddening, but irresistible wife._

  
  


//

  
  


You wait for your husband’s next letter, and since your body’s condition is getting better, you busy yourself with cleaning around the house and filling the pantry with groceries as there is no one around to tend to these things in the meantime. You take long breaks in between, as you are not the trained shinobi you were, being able to last in stressful environments until you drop. 

You hang out in the engawa often, as you find the cool afternoon air very therapeutic. 

The gate opens and you look up, expecting to see Hashirama’s sons to accompany you to their house, but you find Kimiko instead. 

  
  


You smile easily, and before you can stand up to meet her, she is already hurrying towards you. 

  
  


“My lady, I was worried about you,” Kimiko says. “I came to check on you.” 

“Oh, I am alright, Kimiko, but thank you,” you tell her. “I am about to go to Lord Hashirama’s house for dinner, would you like to accompany me?” 

  
  


Kimiko suddenly looks uneasy, but you try to abate her discomfort. 

  
  


“Do not worry, I am sure that they have another room for one more,” you say. “You come with me.” 

  
  


The gate to your house opens and you hear Hashirama’s sons loudly talking. All of them, except for the eldest, have come here for a field trip. 

“Auntie!” One of them calls. 

“I’m coming,” you say, and you tug Kimiko by the arm so that she can walk with you. 

  
  


You need to be kind, and kinder to those you have inflicted pain on. There needs to be more compassion when there is sadness and hatred. 

  
  


//

  
  


Hashirama’s house is always warm and loud. It smells of savory foods that makes you a bit nauseous, so you immediately sit down and sip some ginger tea that has been prepared just for you. Hashirama’s youngest son, who is the only one who has not reached the age of double digits, sits on his father’s lap, nibbling on a cookie. 

The other boys are on the lawn, shouting and rough-housing, and they earn their father’s booming laughs. 

The scene amuses you, and you cannot help but smile at this Senju household’s shenanigans. Hopefully, that your own household will be just as loud and happy. 

  
  


Mito appears on the engawa, followed by her personal maids that are carrying the dishes for dinner. She nods at you gracefully and kindly, and when she settles beside her husband, the maids lay out the foods, starting with the main meal in the center of the table, and then the side dishes and rice, and then the plates, bowls and cups that are to be used. 

The rest of the children take their seat, and Mito waits for Hashirama to pick up his utensil and take his portion of the food. 

  
  


“I hope that my children did not act as raucous as of now when they fetched you,” Mito comments with amusement. 

“Darling, they are youthful boys, they have to let out all that energy,” Hashirama reasons. 

“Yes, dear, but manners,” Mito smiles. 

  
  


You laugh and shake your head. “I do not mind. Besides, they fill up the house with noise. Unfortunately, we do not get enough of that.” 

Mito laughs and Hashirama chuckles knowingly. 

  
  


“That is my brother for you,” Hashirama says with pride. 

  
  


You take your time to eat, and you focus on each food you chew on. If you get too full, sometimes, you get a little bit of acid reflux. 

When it is time to go home, you bid your farewells and you let Kimiko accompany you. The streets of the Senju compound are peaceful, and while it is nice to be around a different family dynamic, you find solace in the quietness, having been used to it. The air is cool, and the sun is slowly setting, painting the streets purple and pink. 

  
  


You finally arrive at your house, and it is empty and without life, but it is welcoming. The lanterns in the garden are unlit, but Kimiko has fetched the matches to bring them light. 

You come inside and light the hallways and a few rooms, and you settle in the sitting room, which is often used to receive visitors. You open the doors so that you can see the garden, and you sit at the table with a lantern beside you. 

  
  


“Shall I get you something before I go, my lady?” Kimiko asks. Her hands fold in front of her. 

“Some tea that will prevent bloating would be nice,” you suggest. “And please, you are welcome to stay here if you desire. I may call on you when I need you.” 

Kimiko bows slightly. “I am glad to be of service.” 

You nod and when she is gone, you rest your hand on your womb. There is pen and paper nearby, so you decide to prepare a letter for Tobirama. You try not to worry about him missing a day to write you a letter as he is probably busy with the peace ceremony. You hope that it all goes well. 

  
  


As you draft your letter to your husband, Kimiko arrives with lavender tea, and you let out a pleased sound as it is set before you. 

“Thank you, Kimiko-san,” you tell her as she pours you a cup. 

“Of course, my lady,” Kimiko says. 

  
  


“Sit,” you urge her. 

  
  


You see that Kimiko is uncomfortable, so you remind yourself not to come on too strong and to keep her for long. 

  
  


“Is your pregnancy going well?” Kimiko asks. 

“I think so,” you reply. “Hashirama says the first one is always hard.”

  
  


“How many children do you and Lord Nidaime intend to have?” 

“Oh, I do not know. He says three or four, but I hope that he is up to it.” 

Kimiko lets out a small chuckle. “Like a genin team.” 

“Like a genin team,” you roll your eyes. “He is ridiculous sometimes, but I guess, Senjus have a thing for big families. I would have never pegged him as a big family man.” 

  
  


Kimiko shrugs. “Maybe he’s changed his point of view.”

You smile as you take a sip. “Maybe.” 

  
  


//

  
  


You open your eyes, sweating all over. Your skin is burning up and it feels like it is coming from within. Your head is heavy, and you notice that your breathing is way too fast for your liking. You turn to your side, trying to see if you can will this away, but it proves to be impossible. You swing your legs to the side of your bed and you rush to the bathroom to prepare yourself a cold bath. 

As the water fills the tub, you sit on the sidelines, about to pass out, so you splash the cold water on your face to make yourself all alert. 

There is no sound but the rushing water of the faucet. 

  
  


The silence makes you uneasy. 

  
  


You hear Kimiko call your name, and you jump, a cold fear running through you. 

  
  


“My lady, is everything all right?” 

“Will you please fetch Lord Hashirama? I think something is wrong,” you call out. 

  
  


The burning sensation spreads to the rest of your body, raising your temperature. Your heartbeat picks up its pace, making you lightheaded. 

  
  


You stick your hand into the water, satisfied that the tub is filled enough. Just as you are about to stand up and wade into the tub, a hand grabs your neck and pushes you down into the water. 

You scramble to get your balance, but the hand keeps you down. Water pours into your mouth, your nose. Everything sounds muffled, even your own gasps. You manage to break out to the surface with a strangled scream, but you are pushed down once again. 

You cannot breathe. 

  
  


There is no sound but your struggle for your life, and the splashes of water and the squeaks of your feet on the ground. 

Your lungs begin to spasm, but you remember that you are not the only one fighting for your life. Pooling your strength, you push back and elbow your attacker. You fall to the floor, gasping for air, hand on your womb. 

  
  


You glance at your attacker, and it is Kimiko. 

She quickly recovers and she towers over you. 

  
  


“Stop,” you choke out. Your strength continues to wane. 

  
  


Kimiko grabs you by the shoulder and you fight against her. 

  
  


You do not like the feeling of drowning, and you will not die here. 

  
  


“Why?!” You kick at her, and she pins you to the floor and takes her hands to your neck. 

“For my daughter,” she grits her teeth. 

  
  


“No!” You cry out, and you manage to punch her to her face. 

  
  


You scramble from the floor, your senses betraying you, but you need to get out of here. 

Kimiko grabs at your legs, but you kick back, and finally, you get to your feet. 

Pain pierces below your belly, but you trudge on, hurrying out of the house, and into the silent street. 

It is dark, and the world offers no comfort. Only a cold retribution as you run for your life. You want to scream, but the pain in your body keeps you going. The silence sews your mouth shut, and you can only hear yourself breathe heavily as you blindly make your way to a safer spot. 

You end up in the forest, and you keep going, putting a distance between you and Kimiko. You know that screaming is futile now, as there is no one in the world that will hear you. 

  
  


You hear a running stream nearby, and you buckle to your knees, unable to catch your breath. You feel like you are on fire inside, and the pain overwhelms you. Something warm and sticky trickles on the inside of your thigh. You fall to the ground, and you curl into yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we gooooooo kjsadnfljhgjsl i am a terrible person oooooof OOOOOOF
> 
> I hope it's clear, but if it is not: Kimiko's plans of like slowly poisoning her becomes useless bc of the decreased interactions with her and Tobirama is always around her; so when finally he went to Kumo, she becomes desperate to enact her revenge and now. Well.
> 
> And I kinda made up this thing, of like the passing of chakras and based it on Chinese fantasy novels, there is this thing called dual cultivation, where couples have lots of sex to share their power and grow their power together; and I kinda applied that here, and Tobi keeps passing his chakra to her many times, and she gets better. Now that he's not around to do that, she becomes weak and she couldn't fight back as strongly.
> 
> Also I assumed that is how Hashirama and Mito were able to power each other up. lol.
> 
> uhmmm anyways WHAT HAPPENED TO TOBIRAMA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


	9. Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama, on the verge of death after Ginkaku and Kinkaku staged a coup during the peace ceremony, gathers his last drop of strength to get home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// blood, miscarriage, ptsd, panic attacks, another attempted murder, it's really sad but rest assured they will heal
> 
> to sum: Tobirama feels helpless

Tobirama’s eyes snap open, and he realizes that it is nighttime. The stars seem closer up here in Kumogakure, as they are a village that is closest to the sky. The night sky glitters before him, and the moon hangs low, so low that Tobirama can see its ridges and craters. On the ground, he is surrounded by cold bodies, and he is splattered by the familiar stickiness of blood. He feels nauseous and he closes his eyes to try and fight it. He should be dead, but he is not, or maybe this is it for him and he is only taking in his last moments. His body is frozen stiff, and there is little that he can feel. He knows that he has been injured badly enough that he had blacked out from it. 

He turns his head, and he sees the miniature toy dragon that he intends to bring home to his wife and child. He is not much of a sap, but a souvenir from a different place is not bad. 

The toy dragon is made from jade, but it is small and can be easily missed. It is now covered in blood. 

  
  


Tobirama turns to the sky again, and catches a shooting star travelling across one point to another. 

If he dies here, then everything he has done so far, everything he has set to motion, may all come to a stop. 

  
  


Tobirama still has so much more things to do, to accomplish, and promises to live up to. 

  
  


A hawk circles over the carnage that the Gold and Silver brothers have wrought. Just as the peace ceremony was going well, Ginkaku and Kinkaku sought to stop the ceremony. Tobirama recognizes the nine-tails’ chakra in them, and before the night fell, he is brought to the verge of death despite giving them a hell of a fight. The Second Raikage was also attacked, but he is not sure if he made it or not. 

Tobirama closes his eyes, and he notices how little chakra he has left. He can use it to check on his wife and unborn child, and if it is his time, then he will leave this world knowing that his work was not just for naught, that something had worked out and all his sacrifices were worth something. He needs to know that choosing the village over everything, choosing his brother and his dreams were the right choices. 

  
  


He is hundreds of miles away, but that is nothing to get to her. 

  
  


He seeks her out, searches for her particular chakra signature, now more than unique than ever, but he does not find her where she is supposed to be. He does not have enough chakra to keep looking, and no matter how far he spreads his scope, he cannot feel her. 

Tobirama’s eyes snap open. 

Something is wrong. 

  
  


A cold fear that forces his heart to beat harder washes over him, and it gives him enough strength to roll to his side. 

He needs to get home. He needs to do it now. He needs to get to his wife. 

He is _needed_. 

  
  


He doesn't care if he will lose his life trying to do what is impossible at the moment. He has always been the pinnacle of impossible, and yet. 

Tobirama groans, realizing that his body is broken. He has multiple fractures in his ribs, and he is already bleeding out, blood as dark as the night pooling under him. He patches himself up hastily, and he reaches for his sword and stands himself up. He is light-headed, and his thoughts are barely starting to make sense, but he has a goal and he will not rest until he accomplishes what he has set out to do. He swallows every doubt and fear, buries them under the mental fortitude that took him years to develop. 

His wife needs a man, needs her husband, and Tobirama is not always man enough to be worthy of her, he is in pieces and he divides himself everyday and travels further from her as the Hokage. 

But he is certain that he can save and protect her, so he picks himself up, little by little, piece by piece so that will be the one to be there for her. He cannot give her more, he cannot be _anything_ more, but he will get to her. 

He will grovel on the ground, if he has to. 

  
  


//

  
  


Your skin is feverish, and your temperature only continues to increase. It becomes unbearable, and you are gasping for air, trying to find a way to alleviate it. Your thoughts become muddled, and your eyes feel like they are about to bulge out of your skull. Pain laces up and down your spine, and you can only cry and gasp out as you lie on the forest floor. 

Is this how it ends for you? 

You think of your husband, and your heart breaks for him. You cannot imagine causing him pain, but you wonder if he will mourn you and your unborn child. He will, in his own way.

  
  


You let out a cry as the pain begins to double, and you claw at the ground underneath you. You are completely soaked with sweat, and it is getting harder to breathe.

  
  


_Someday, the time will come where you will beg for me to come and take your pain away._

Madara had once said that, in your dream where he appeared. Is this what he meant? 

  
  


You start to shout, as a debilitating cramp takes over your lower belly. Something inside is twisting and clawing you, and the fire that threatens to engulf you inside, that seems to boil your blood makes it worse. 

Maybe you are also hallucinating, but you see Madara’s silhouette watching you a few feet away. You glimpse at it, and more tears pour from your eyes. 

He is still your friend. He still haunts you to this day. Is he really dead when he lingers in the shadows of your worst nightmares? No one can protect you from what is in your mind, and maybe that is what Madara had wanted when he appeared in your dream. Maybe you will be the cause of Tobirama’s downfall because you have chosen to believe his words. 

  
  


“I’m sorry,” you choke out. “I’m sorry. Please. Please!” 

  
  


You continue to weep, feeling hopeless. 

  
  


You hear something heavy fall near you, and you start to panic. You are unbelievably defenseless. You search for anything around you, something, a rock, a fragile stick, anything, but a calmness washes over you when you hear your husband whisper your name. You glimpse his crumpled form, and he is on the ground, crawling towards you. His happuri is cracked and it falls to the ground, and his armor has no more use as it did nothing to save him from his injuries. You see that half of his body is covered in blood, and some of it trickle down to the ground. 

  
  


“Tobirama!” You gasp, but you let out a strangled scream as something inside you feels like it is cutting away at your belly. 

  
  


Tobirama makes it to you, and he gathers you in his arms. Your head rests on his chest, and he puts a hand on your face. 

You twist in his hold, and you kick at the ground, screaming as the pain continues to lay waste in your body. 

  
  


Tobirama’s eyes widen, as he sees blood and tissue coming out from in between your legs. They stream down your thighs, dark and lumpy. 

“My blood–it’s–! It’s too hot!” You scream again, and Tobirama hefts you into his arms, despite his injury. 

  
  


You hear water splash underneath, and Tobirama takes you to the deeper part of the cold stream. He lowers you, and he keeps an arm on you as you seize in his arms. You hold on to his shoulder, and somewhere in your fits, you glimpse at the sky and you curse at it. 

Why? Why you? 

You let out one more prolonged scream, and this time, you feel something break away. You tremble, and you settle into Tobirama’s arms. 

  
  


“No, no, no,” Tobirama begs you. 

You let out a breath and collapse into your husband completely, and then, nothing. 

  
  


//

  
  


Tobirama stares at his wife’s body in his arms, and the panic settling in his chest almost makes him freeze. He notices bruises on your neck that look like a hand. 

  
  


“NO!” Tobirama bellows. He checks your pulse. 

Nothing. _Nothing_. 

  
  


A lump of dread lodges itself in his throat, and he puts a hand on the side of your face. You do not blink or breathe, and there is no movement at all. You are too still. Too lifeless. 

  
  


“No, no, do not do this!” Tobirama shouts. “Come back to me!” 

He hauls you and himself back to dry ground, and despite the pain creaking through his body, he ignores it. He lays you flat on your back, and he begins to pump on your chest, trying to bring you to life. This is not how it is supposed to turn out. You are supposed to live on and even live past him. 

Tobirama curses, and he pushes on your chest again and again, ignoring the feeling of breaking your ribs from the force. It makes him sick and nauseous. He has spent most of his life killing, and when it counts for him to prolong life, somehow it all turns against him. 

He screams your name in the empty woods. 

  
  


//

  
  


It is almost dawn when Tobirama makes it to the hospital. Despite the alarm around him and the chaos as the doctors and nurses there scramble to treat him, he gets his wife on a gurney, and he collapses on the ground beside it. He has managed to get a pulse, but he is not sure how long that will last. She is pale, and she is barely breathing. 

In a state of shock, Tobirama comes into conclusion that she may be undergoing sepsis and she will need all the attention and the care to make sure she comes out okay. The child inside her is probably dead, and Tobirama tries not to think about that and how he may explain it to her. If she makes it. 

Everything sounds garbled around him, and he does not care about anything else. He fights anyone who tries to treat him, and instead demands that they take care of his wife first. 

  
  


“My brother!” He barks. “Get my brother now!” 

“Lord Hokage,” one of the medics starts. 

“Now!” He pushes away someone who tries to assist him into another gurney. “Her first!” 

  
  


In a rush, your gurney is wheeled away from him and Tobirama watches in horror as someone begins to pump on your chest again. 

This is on him, if you do not make it. 

  
  


“Tobirama,” he feels his elder brother grab him and assist him to a gurney. 

Somehow, Tobirama feels a little less mad. His brother’s hold on him is gentle and strong.

“My wife,” he says in anguish. He does not know what has happened to him, but he sounds like a broken track. He is unable to say anything else. 

“Okay, okay,” Hashirama reassures. “I will take care of her, rest assured.” 

Tobirama grasps his brother’s arm. “The fetus will not make it.” 

  
  


Hashirama stares at his brother, in shock. He has never seen Tobirama so helpless. He is going into his default coping mechanism: trying to rationalize and distance himself from the event. He does not like the way Tobirama has said fetus, as if he is only stating a matter of fact. However, when he looks into his brother’s eyes, he sees fear in them. 

  
  


“I will save her,” Hashirama promises to him. “Now, you have to get treated.”

“Her first,” Tobirama says in a more withdrawn tone. He has grown ashy pale, and Hashirama makes him lie on the gurney completely. “You have to save her first.”

“I will,” Hashirama repeats. 

Tobirama meets his gaze fiercely. “ _Her_ first,” he emphasizes and he pushes his brother back to send him away. 

  
  


Hashirama swallows and he hurries after Tobirama’s wife, not wasting another second. 

Tobirama cannot rest, but he lets himself finally get healed. His unconscious takes over the moment he closes his eyes, like a heavy mountain pressing him to the ground.

  
  


//

  
  


Tobirama contemplates whether he should go and visit you, now that Hashirama and the medics have finished treating you. He is not much of a fearful person, but he does not really want to see the aftermath of what you went through because it makes it that much real. His skin feels like there is blood plasted on him permanently, and no matter how much he washes his hands, it’s there, coating his hands like tight-skinned gloves. 

So he does what he does best. He acts. 

  
  


He tasks his students, Hiruzen, Homura and Koharu to find whoever did this, and he knows who did this, but he cannot arrest someone unless there is incriminating evidence. He sends his students because if he is the one looking for Kimiko, he will not be merciful about it. Mercies are best left to his wife, and right now, you are indisposed. 

His mind races about Kumogakure, and how the consequences of the coup may affect the land and his village. If worse comes to worse, there may be war, and he hopes to prevent that. 

  
  


“Lord Nidaime?” A gentle, but steady voice interrupts his thoughts. 

He turns, and he sees Biwako, the girl Hiruzen has been crazy about. 

  
  


“Your wife is awake,” Biwako says. “Well, in better words, responsive.”

Tobirama nods, and he finds himself frowning. He is not ready to see you, nor bring you the news of what has happened. 

Biwako steps forward, but Tobirama raises a hand and she halts. 

  
  


“Lord Nidaime, you may need assistance,” Biwako says. 

“How is she?” 

“Stable,” Biwako replies straightforwardly. “However, she can barely speak nor move. She is in a lot of pain. She is under a lot of sedatives, and if she is not, she starts screaming.” 

  
  


Tobirama nods. “I will be there shortly. Leave me.”

  
  


Biwako bows quickly and she walks out of the room. 

  
  


Tobirama stares at his hands, and he hears you scream in his mind, and he can feel your weight on him, as you almost lost your life. He has seen and carried dead bodies before, but that weight feels different. It feels like a punishment. 

Tobirama knows that he should not be walking around, but there are a lot of things that he should not be doing and here he is. He swings his feet over the bed as slowly as he can to not exert himself, and then he puts his weight on his legs. He almost doubles over, but he catches himself and he grabs at the wall. He puts one foot in front of the other, and somehow, he makes outside the door without toppling over. 

“Sensei!” 

Tobirama hears Hiruzen call. He hears his footsteps, and he lets his student support him by the arm. 

  
  


“How is she?” Hiruzen asks. 

“Stable,” Tobirama curtly replies. “What did you find?” 

“She was still there in the house. She was in your bathroom and there were splashes of water everywhere,” Hiruzen starts. “Homura found traces of a poison and sent it to the investigative division. Then we put her into a holding cell.” 

  
  


Tobirama swallows, completely horrified but he masks it as quickly as it appeared. “She tried to drown my wife.” 

He knows that it is your worst fear to be drowned, having been subjected to it before. 

“I am sorry, sensei,” Hiruzen utters. “If there is anything I could do…”

“Saru,” Tobirama interrupts. “Do not say anything more.” 

  
  


Hiruzen stares at his sensei, a little puzzled, but he keeps quiet. He keeps his support on his sensei. 

  
  


“See if Biwako found traces of poison in my wife and that it matches the one found,” Tobirama takes his arm back from Hiruzen. 

The two of them stop at the doorway of the room you are put in. The curtains cover you, but he can make out your shape behind it. 

  
  


“Yes, sensei,” Hiruzen quietly says and he turns to walk away. 

  
  


Tobirama does not know how long he has stood there, but he snaps himself back into reality and he makes his way to you. His heart softens as he finds your face, but it also hurts because you look frail and weak, something that even in your worst state has never been seen. He finally sits himself on the chair next to you, and he takes your hand in his. 

You flinch and you let out a jumble of words, and your heart beat spikes up. 

  
  


“It is me,” Tobirama murmurs to you. “It’s just me.” 

  
  


Tobirama runs his thumb over your hand, and he stares at it. At least it is warm now. At least he can feel your pulse, and your blood flowing under your skin. He feels your chakra flowing normally, although very low in levels. 

“You’re safe,” Tobirama reassures. 

He finds your face, and tears fall from your eyes. They open, but Tobirama finds that your stare is unfocused. 

Then you close your eyes again. 

  
  


Tobirama keeps still, and finally, he feels your hand squeezing his. 

At least you are alive.

  
  


//

  
  


Days pass you by like a blur, and you are still unable to talk. You do a lot of swimming in your mind, and when you are lucid, you cannot help but scream to let it all out. Words mean nothing, and they do not connect with your tongue. You are tired of the quietness in your mind because it is searing, and it is hot and it is where your thoughts run uncontrollably. 

It is like the silence that has kept you from crying out for help has finally been siphoned off by a great vacuum, and every loud sound that has been suppressed sings and blares like a horn taking the spotlight on stage.

On most days, you feel bereft of feelings except fear and an uncontained anger that makes all reason go down the drain. Luckily, you are bedridden. 

  
  


Tobirama has explained to you what has happened, he has laid down the facts with a passive voice. His face is arranged in such a calm way, he could just be talking about anything. He does not show how he feels about your loss. It does not make sense to you, because you remember being happy about finally building a family with him, and now, it is like someone has pulled out the cord and everything is put to a stop. 

Honestly, it hurts. 

You want him to lash out at you, to blame you, but he does none of that. The only thing you can do is be angry and scream at him, but he has no fault in this. You know that he fought for you. 

  
  


You have lost something so monumental, and it swallows you whole. 

Guilt. That is what you mostly feel because it is your job to make sure your own child makes it to this world. 

It is so hard to accept it. 

  
  


“Please stop,” you whisper Tobirama because he still keeps going, as if to rub in salt into your wounds. You know that he is only doing his best to get you through this. He is being there in the way he knows how. 

Because when things go wrong, he can always depend on his sense of logic and his ability to be able to fix just about anything. 

  
  


Tobirama immediately quiets down, and his facade breaks. He reflects the torment that you scream from the top of your lungs. 

“You died,” he repeats, his voice breaking off. 

You turn your head away from him. 

“I had her arrested,” Tobirama continues. 

“I told you to stop,” you say, your voice croaking. You have not spoken words in days. 

  
  


Tobirama falls silent again, and you close your eyes. 

“Please leave,” you tell him, even if it breaks your heart. 

“No,” Tobirama says in a steady voice. 

  
  


A terrible, long hush settles between the two of you. There really is no instructions to follow on how to go about this. The both of you had lost a lot. Grief is different for each person. 

Tears start to fall from your eyes, and you wonder how come you do not run out of it. Sometimes you cry even when they do not flow. 

  
  


Tobirama’s hand hesitates over the side of your head, but then he takes it back. After a long minute, he comes closer and leans towards the bed to slip his arm under your head. He turns you to him, and you watch him as he wordlessly gathers you into his arms. His touches are tender, and you note that he is trembling. 

Like a dam that has been staved off for too long, you burst out crying and he leans his head over yours. 

You have been feeling so far away from your body, as if you are only a spectator, but at this moment, you are finally grounded, like a kite winded back to its owner’s hands. 

  
  


Tobirama is as steady as you need him. 

  
  


//

  
  


Your house is now a different place. Dark and uninviting, it serves to remind you of that night that you almost died. You did die, according to Tobirama, but that short blip into the so-called afterlife did not serve to offer some relief. If anything, it made you feel more alone and more aware that something is missing inside of you. 

You were going to have a girl. 

The thought makes you sob, and you do, for the hundredth time today. 

  
  


When you get to your room, you suddenly feel uneasy and it is like your brain is reliving the same horror all over again, but your body is safe and whole. It is like you are underwater again, and you are melting, and you can barely stay on your feet. 

Tobirama guides you towards the bed, but you fight him off, unable to process what is happening to you. Everything is happening too quickly. A different kind of burn settles on your chest and it squeezes the air out of you, and you are unable to take in more air. 

  
  


More tears fall from your eyes, and you try to gasp for air. You just want to breathe. Your vision blurs, and Tobirama catches you as you topple over. 

The two of you go to the floor. You push your husband away, feeling like you are once again, fighting for your life. 

Tobirama refrains from touching you again, but he keeps himself near, ready to act and prevent you from hurting yourself. 

  
  


It gets messier as you start to heave and then vomit on the floor. 

You feel helpless, and disgusted of yourself. 

  
  


You pass out, after you come to, and the last thing you are aware of is Tobirama silently cleaning your vomit up. 

  
  


//

You stop eating, in fear of ingesting something that could possibly poison you. Tobirama has dismissed the servants that work in your house and vows to get new ones, but at the moment, there is only you and him. Even if Tobirama is the one who serves you the food, you do not eat it and while you know that he is getting frustrated that you are not eating, you cannot help but fear the food. 

You know that Tobirama is holding himself accountable for this, and you want to comfort him but how can you comfort him when you are confined to your own thoughts? 

  
  


Tobirama is the Hokage by day, and by night, he becomes your servant as he monitors you hour by hour, and cleans up after whatever mess you make without complaint. 

  
  


“Please eat,” Tobirama says quietly. 

  
  


He sits on the side of the bed, waiting. 

“I will not let anything happen to you,” Tobirama says. “Would it help if I eat the food?” 

You gather your legs to your body and hug them. You peek at him from above your knees. 

  
  


“Yes?” Tobirama inquires. 

“I don’t want to eat,” you say. 

  
  


Tobirama sighs, and he rakes a hand through his hair. He stands up, and grabs the bowl that he placed on the bedside table. 

His jaw tenses, a sign that he is holding off on saying anything that may make this situation worse. “Look, not poison.” 

  
  


Tobirama takes a spoonful of the food, and you watch him swallow it. You observe for a long time, even though the food has grown cold. 

Nothing happens to Tobirama. 

Grudgingly, you take the bowl from him. 

  
  


He goes down on one knee and he looks you into your eyes. “You are safe.”

You nod, and you glumly eat the food that he prepared. It tastes bland. 

  
  


//

  
  


For days, you have not bathed as you do not want to go to the bathroom, and sometimes, you even end up rocking back and forth on the floor next to the door of the bathroom. You also hold off on emptying your bladder, resulting in you soiling your clothes and the floor. It makes you feel worse and descend into a spiral of intrusive thoughts, but you will yourself to get it together enough to clean after yourself as best as you can. For now, you opt using the garden hose outside or the faucet in the kitchen. 

You also stopped going out into the streets, afraid that some threat is bound to be acted upon you. Not until Kimiko is apprehended permanently, you cannot bear to take a step outside. 

  
  


Sometimes you are tempted to do the job yourself. No one can really get in your way, except for your husband. 

For days, you contemplate on this. 

Maybe it will be easier on you. To erase the source of your trauma. Maybe you will not have to fear every shadow you encounter, including your own. 

You and Kimiko are now even. The both of you had lost your child. 

  
  


Tobirama keeps the details of Kimiko’s arrest secret from you, probably thinking that it is for the best. 

And it is, because you are not sure what you are capable of doing at the moment. 

  
  


//

  
  


Tobirama hates it when you are sleeping on your back or your stomach, because even if he knows better, his mind plays tricks on him and he is there in the middle of the woods all over again, holding your body as your life leaves you. So whenever he finds you like that, he turns you to your side and when he can bear to, holds you into his arms so that he knows that you are breathing, and that you have a heartbeat. 

It hurts him to see you like this. You have always stayed strong. He has always taken your strength for granted. 

Now that you are reduced to tears and fits, and bursts of unprecedented anger he thought that you were not capable of, it shakes him to the core. 

  
  


It reminds him that he has failed you, both as your husband and Hokage. 

In your sleep, you have nightmares and Tobirama cannot wake you up from them at times. The best he can do is be there, but even that is not an option at times. 

He grieves in his own way too.

  
  


How does one handle a possibility that was so tangible and close to happening, but it is torn away before it has even begun? 

How does one receive life, only to have it taken from you in such a short time? 

  
  


Questions swirl his mind and it keeps him awake. It drives him to throw himself into his work and he forgets about sleep. 

If he can donate sleep then he will give it to you, as long as it means a peaceful night for you. 

He ignores that his senses are frayed, but at times, there is only much touching he can handle because he keeps remembering being surrounded by death as he came to, and being greeted by death as he holds you. 

  
  


Why is this his destiny? As if he is meant to be surrounded by life, but to only be able to work with death. He pours hours into avoiding it, but the truth is, death is a fact, not a question that he can solve in a few steps. 

How he wills it so, but that is a wall that he will keep knocking on as long as he lives. 

  
  


//

  
  


Even in your sadness, there is routine, all thanks to Tobirama and his ability to compartmentalize and boil it down in a way that he can understand. He is stellar at this, but you know that it is not the case. The more he seeks perfection, the more he is in a deeper hole than he lets on. It is scary to watch him spiral, because no one ever notices until it is too late and he has suddenly come up with a new jutsu and making everyone around him make a run for their money. He never asks for help, and when help is given to him, he refuses profusely and even makes it seem like it is your fault for making things worse. 

On your better days, at least he lets you help by passing you the more menial side of his job. You do the bulk of them in your room, as you get distressed the moment you step out, but you get it done. You are occupied. 

On some days, he hounds on you more to the point he has brought you to tears, or there are some days that he is withdrawn and you cannot get anything from him but he manages to claw his way out of whatever corner he is and be there for you. 

  
  


He seems keen on trying to be there, unwilling to leave you alone for a long time. His eyes are always on your every movement and you feel this pressure to suddenly be alright, though you fail at times when you get hit with intrusive thoughts and they take over your senses. He has done his best to remove the sources of your anxieties, though the bathroom cannot be physically removed. He did cover up the bathtub, and instead, brings a huge bucket you can use to wash yourself when you are able to. 

He has replaced the servants, and they work behind the scenes and quietly so that they do not alarm you. 

You have not talked with him properly, and you desperately want to, but there always seems to be tension between the two of you when it is not about just getting through the day. 

You miss him, even if he is here for you more than he was when he became the Hokage. 

You are sure that he does too, and you can glimpse it from his eyes, from the way they look so hurt whenever he addresses you. 

  
  


//

  
  


You learn of Kimiko being transferred into an underground cell that will keep her isolated from the rest of the village from the whispers of the servants. At first, you are not really sure what to make of it, you feel nothing towards it. Then, the anger comes. It washes over you, from your head, through your veins and out that when you come to, you are suddenly holding your sword that you now keep under the bed. 

You brandish it out, and you stare at your decimated self on your blade. It feels like you are looking at a whole other person. 

It _is_ reckless. 

  
  


But at that moment you do not care. 

Having a purpose brings back a breath of life in you, and you feel something blossoming inside your chest. You feel vindicated, and you draw strength from this. 

Your hands shake, and your thoughts start to jumble and it is unable to pinpoint anything else because it zones into your new goal. If you can accomplish it then all these bad feelings will go away. 

The thought repeats in your mind, over and over again. Obsessively. 

They are talons, taking you by hostage and the next thing you know, you are running outside, jittery as you take to the rooftops, and scanning the ground to see if you can track them on the move. Everything is moving so fast, every movement becomes blurry to you. 

The feeling is unbearable, but your feet get you there. The underground prison is hidden near the Hokage mountain, and it is also near Tobirama’s lab, which conveniently connects him underground to the Hokage office. 

Tobirama is there, stoic shoulders and a hard expression on his face that will not betray him, even in under extreme duress. He senses you, because he always does and he turns to your direction. 

You draw your sword, alarming the ANBU guards surrounding Tobirama. 

  
  


“What are you doing here?!” Tobirama barks in the voice that he uses as the Hokage. 

You stride over, and you spot Kimiko behind the ANBU, in chains. 

  
  


Tobirama steps in front of you to block you from her. 

  
  


“Move,” you say, voice shaky and hoarse. 

Tobirama steps closer to you, and he narrows his eyes fiercely. “Stop this.” 

  
  


Kimiko starts to laugh, and that snaps the last shred of your reason. 

You wind your arm back, and you throw your blade hard towards Kimiko. It heads straight for her in a blink of an eye. 

“No!” Tobirama bellows. 

  
  


An ANBU guard steps in the way, and your blade pierces through their left shoulder. It would have gone straight towards Kimiko’s heart, but the guard is taller and was caught by the torso, and in between their lower ribs.. 

Blood sprays and the sight makes you pale. 

  
  


Your trembling hand comes up to cover your mouth in shock. 

“Oh no,” you whisper. 

  
  


You just hurt someone by accident. 

Tobirama scans the situation closely, and when he sees you step towards the guard that you injured, he grasps you by the shoulders and turns you around. 

“Go,” he commands. “Go home.” 

You look towards your husband in panic. “I...I didn’t–”

“I said go home!” Tobirama snaps in a voice you have never heard him use for you. He uses his body to block the sight and he stares at you with a hard expression. 

  
  


Hot tears threaten to spill, but you turn your head away so that Tobirama does not see. You know what you did, but it is still hard to comprehend what you actually did. It feels like another person has hijacked your mind and made you do this, but you see with your eyes what your own hands have done. 

  
  


In a daze, you walk away, and you wander around the village, disoriented and feeling very numb and cold inside. 

  
  


//

  
  


Tobirama comes home late, expecting to find you there, but the house is dark. A cold feeling washes over him. This day has been very long and disturbing, and all he wants is to talk it out with you, even if it ends with a fight. He just wants you, but you are nowhere to be found. 

Tobirama storms out of his house and into the Senju compound. He circles it, and he infuses his chakra at the same time to find you, but you are not here. You are heading towards the edge of the village, towards the forests and the training grounds. 

He rushes to your direction without any thought or hesitation. 

  
  


He finds you staring towards the dark forest, a hand on a tree bark. 

From this distance, you look like a ghost. 

Tobirama cannot come closer. It is like there is a force field preventing him from walking towards you. His throat thickens with emotion, but he stays there, just to make sure you are alright. 

“Are they...going to be all right?” You ask in a flat tone. 

“Yes,” Tobirama replies honestly. “Though you missed their heart by a few centimeters.” 

  
  


You close your eyes, and press your hand against your forehead. “I never…”

“Yes, you did. You had every intention of killing Kimiko,” Tobirama outrightly says. 

  
  


“Do not put words in my mouth,” you tell him. 

“That is what I inferred from earlier,” Tobirama says, and you hear him step closer. “You were different. That was not you, and you need to manage your emotions or this will worsen. Almost killing someone by accident will just be the first one.” 

  
  


You turn towards Tobirama. “Isn’t that too easy for you to say?” 

Tobirama is unexpectedly calm, but you can see from the moonlight’s wan silver shine on his face that he is hurt. “No, but it is the truth.” 

  
  


You press your lips together. You want to fight. You want to yell, and yet Tobirama, of all days he has chosen to not provoke you, is making it hard. You wish that the two of you can just scream this out, but it is difficult when Tobirama surprises you with a more empathic approach. 

  
  


“We both faced loss,” Tobirama tells you in an even voice. “But this is not the way to act.” 

“I cannot act how you want me to.” 

“Of course not.” Tobirama holds out his hand to you, his palm facing the night sky. “But you must allow me to act as your husband.” 

  
  


You stare at him, a little bewildered. Your heart swells, and finally, you let all the emotions that you have been keeping locked flow through your heart. 

It hurts. It hurts so much. 

  
  


Instead of the numb feeling that fills you with emptiness, you feel every pinprick of your pain, your confusion, your loss. You let that night run over your whole body, but instead of turning it to anger, you feel something else. 

A strength that you know you have always owned. 

Acceptance. The ability to put one foot in front of the other. To try again.

And the most important thing, forgiving yourself. 

  
  


Tobirama waits, his hand still outstretched. 

  
  


You look up to him, and you notice how beautiful he still is, even underneath all that anguish. You come to him, and you place your hand on top of his, and you hold on to him. 

Like he wants you to. 

  
  


Tobirama lets out a sigh, and he pulls you closer to him. 

  
  


You let him, because you know you need him. You rest your head on his shoulder. 

  
  


“How do we do this?” You whisper. 

Tobirama stares into the night, letting his mind carry him far away for a moment. There are not many instances where he feels helpless and so unknowable, but that is the limit of being human. 

“I do not know,” he replies with candor. 

  
  


He puts a hand behind your neck, and he presses you closer to him, despite his body aching and crying to just let go of everything and to push you away. “But you have all the time you need to take. We do not have to do anything.” 

“Okay,” you close your eyes as you feel his voice vibrate inside his chest. 

  
  


Tobirama glances down at his wife. You both share this sadness together, but you now have each other. Neither of you have to be alone. 

  
  


“Okay,” Tobirama reaffirms, and he lets out a sigh of relief when you slowly wind your arms around him to hold on to him. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if this chapter is a lil messy, i am SO SORRY SDJFGDLB pls let me know if it's like,, hard to follow or something...i will fix it. 
> 
> thank you for reading <3 
> 
> kudos and comments are much appreciated. 
> 
> and also: Tobirama's secret projects will come to light. like. Soon. 
> 
> yay. 
> 
> gonna take a quick break because...in order to write chapter 8 and 9, i have to act like each character and that put me in a really bad headspace at the moment aaaaa sighh. i was literally shaking as i copy and pasted ch. 8&9 from my word document and to here, and as i press the post chapter button LOLS. but do not worry, i will be fine. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @animastatic

**Author's Note:**

> i am still working on another title for this series: the OG 'till death do us part ! will update pretty soon do not worry
> 
> i just need to get to writing out the scenes that play out in my head and hopefully do it justice hahahaha
> 
> thank you for reading !! kudos and comments are much appreciated,, much love to ya !!
> 
> find me on tumblr !! @animastatic


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